Pros: Never forgets to pick you up after soccer practice. Keeps the house spotless. Can carry you on his shoulders all day and doesn’t get tired. Builds elaborate contraptions to serve your breakfast cereal. Lets you turn his ascot into a kerchief when you want to play Hansel and Gretel.
Cons: Boring. Strictly enforces all bedtimes and snack rules. Gets upset at anything that musses his hair.
Pros: Hottest baby-sitter in the neighborhood. Her black belt in martial arts keeps bullies at bay.
Cons: You never know whether she’ll be there to pick you up from soccer or whether she’s been kidnapped by villains again. Annoyingly clutzy: steps on your DS, drops your baby sister, cuts her finger and bleeds all over your PB&J.
Pros: Helps you ace your science and math homework. Knows where everything in your house is even better than your mom does.
Cons: She loses her glasses multiple times a day, and you have to help her find them before you can do anything else. Annoying habit of exclaiming “Jinkies!” in front of your friends.
Pros: Coolest baby-sitter in the neighborhood. Lets you get away with anything. Hotboxes the minivan with you after soccer practice.
Cons: Eats all your Dunkaroos. Too scared to be downstairs by himself after your bedtime; jumps into your bed and hides under the covers, his chattering teeth keeping you awake all night.
Pros: You have a talking dog for a baby-sitter. Hell yeah.
Cons: Freaks out your friends via being a talking dog. Can’t drive the minivan, so you have to get a ride home from soccer practice with the neighbors who always smell like soup—then when you get home, your baby-sitter pounces on you and licks you all over because you smell like soup.
Pros: Picks you up from school by smashing through the classroom wall.
Cons: Really fucking obnoxious.