One of the lesser-known side effects of getting out of a long-term relationship is forgetting how things work when you are no longer part of a couple. So, for those of you who are newly solo, I have assembled a guide to help get you back on your feet.

The most important thing the recently single person needs to remember is that no one can possibly love you right now. You are a miserable, empty shell of a human being and waves of failure and desperation emanate from your every pore. This brings us to:

Step 1: Clean Yourself Up

This doesn’t just mean literally (though you probably do need a shower). You’ve been out of the game for a while; your wardrobe is probably not geared towards impressing the opposite sex.   When I decided it was time to get back out there, I picked up a cool, vintage Members Only jacket. Then I got my mom to sew a bunch of my old Pogs onto it (only shiny 8-ball and Poison ones because I was trying to get laid, after all).  Ideally, you want your clothes to say, “HEY! Look at my clothes! Please God look at them and not the face of complete emotional breakdown that I’m just barely not failing to conceal!”  I also recommend pants that show off your junk.

Still got the stink of rejection on you? Cologne will take care of that. Just remember: you’re going to need a lot of it so don’t get anything too spendy.

Now you’re looking good, but there’s still one issue: your personality. Don’t worry, I’ve got that covered.

Step 2: Drink

Time to face facts: it was probably your shitty personality that got you here in the first place. Now add to that a massive hit to your self-confidence and you’ve got a personality that all the Pog jackets and cheap cologne in the world can’t make up for. This is where the booze comes in. You are going to want to be drunk any time you could possibly encounter any potential mates, and also any time you’re home alone in case you need to leave the house in a hurry. Alcohol ensures you’ll be filled with false confidence and a spirit of adventure. With the aid of booze, no one will ever see the real unlovable you.

Alright, you’re ready. Now let’s get on out there!

Step 3: Finding that Special Someone (to bone)

First, you’ve got to figure out where the single ladies in your neighborhood hang out. As long as where you live has an Applebee’s it shouldn’t be too hard to figure out. Give up? It’s Applebee’s. Go to Applebee’s.

Now that you’re at Singles Central, order a drink (note: you should be drunk already, this is just to make sure you don’t sober up). Use this time to size up your options. Hopefully there are a lot of attractive women around. They are going to make the women you are hitting on feel worse about themselves and all the more grateful that someone is actually talking to them. As for you, you can just ignore these attractive women. You probably didn’t have a chance before and you sure as shit don’t have one now.

Choose your targets wisely. You see that group of mildly unattractive women eating at the bar and talking loudly? They’re all single and looking for men to approach them; they just come in a group so they don’t feel like they’ve failed when none do.

Yeah, you’re not ready for them. See the girl behind them sitting alone at the bar polishing off her side of ranch dressing with a fork? Bingo.

Now just let the booze do the talking and that should bring us to the final step:

 Step 4: Boning

I’m going to level with you; between the pent-up feelings and the cologne fumes, there’s going to be some crying. Actually there’s going to be a lot of crying. This is why before any lovemaking session I chop up a 5 lb bag of white onions and sprinkle them all over my bedroom. You’ll have the perfect excuse to cry and by candlelight the onions sort of look like flower petals. Game on!

Step 5: The Long Road Back

What I have outlined is only the first phase of recovery. You’re going to run through a lot of onions and Applebee’s skanks before you’ll be able to convince real people that you are anything other than the broken remnants of a human being.  It will come though, and with that, maybe someday you will believe the lie too.

Just remember: once you are able to bullshit yourself into believing that you are worth loving, others will believe it too.

–Chris Bastedo