30 Days of Average – Eat a Frozen Pizza

30 Days of Average – Eat a Frozen Pizza


Sometimes cooking can be a joy. The process of tricking the self-checkout into thinking your pine nuts are peanuts, sneaking a slice of heirloom tomato before you stick it in your pasta sauce, washing the starch off your noodles just like you saw on Food Network – sigh. So romantic and wholesome.

But maybe you’re single and the process of cooking for one is pointless and depressing. Maybe you’re hanging out with your significant other and you’re both poor as shit and tend to fight every time you cook anyway. “This sandwich is soggy.” “Make one your goddam self for once!” Or maybe you’re just really high.

Despite your reasons, there are so many times in life when you start thinking, “I want a pizza and I want it now.” The melty cheese. The slight taste of freon. The potential to smear Sriracha sauce all over something. It is all that will do.

Frozen pizzas do not have to mean a lack of creativity. You can dump everything in your fridge door or condiment rack on those puppies. Olives? Yes please. Banana peppers? Gotta put them on something. Scoop out that old can of pineapple slices that’s been sitting on your shelf and add that. Get gourmet about things.

Or you could just eat the pizza plain, as it was when God placed it in the gas station freezer section, waiting for you to deliver it to its ultimate destination.

Frozen pizzas go well with beer. They go well with that energy drink you bought because you were high and it seemed like a lit-up beacon of dry mouth no more. Pour a drink and turn on the TV, because frozen pizzas go well with that too.

Finally, share a slice with someone you love. Call in your roommate who is kinda poor and is having a really hard time torrenting Photoshop lately. Have a party and make one frozen pizza after another. Because one of the best things about frozen pizza is that they’re for sharing.

Becky Lang