1. His dick

Dude was carried to his mom by five storks. Of course his dick is gigantic. It also smells like maple syrup and bacon.

2. His barrel chest

Not everyone was built to wear a red flannel shirt 24/7. But for certain men of spicy pits/big boots, it ends up looking like a big fellatio flag.

3. His blue ox bro

There’s something homoerotic about Paul B.’s relationship with Babe the Blue Ox. First of all, Babe is totally comfortable being referred to as “Babe,” even though he’s a lumbering ox with a nose ring and fire coming out of all of his orifices. They’re both comfortable with their sexuality, which means they can take a break from accidentally carving out the Grand Canyon to give one another sexual relief.

4. He’s a hipster without trying

Flannel. Loves animals. Loves down home America cooking but would probably pay double for it. Sure he would fill the great lakes with Four Loko if he wanted to.

5. He’s uncircumcised

Bro can dock a rhinoceros.

6. He’s quintessentially American

So he will please your bomb-fearing grandma.

7. He has statues made of him

Have you ever banged someone who has several statues made in his image? Didn’t think so. Look them up on Flickr and see chicks climbing on his fake leg. Be like “I climbed on that real leg, whore.”

8. New England heritage

He says “soda,” not pop.

9. Just plain good-lookin’

We love his big beard and piercing eyes. We love the way he is taller than the average Target franchise. Don’t we all wish we looked like P.B.?

10. His axe swings both ways

Bro could dock a rhinoceros.

– Becky Lang, Jay Gabler, Jason Zabel, and Katie Sisneros, on location in Brainerd, Minnesota