Things You Learn as a Serial Monogamist

Things You Learn as a Serial Monogamist

-How to bro down with opposite gender roommates. As a serial monogamist, you end up sitting around significant others’ houses at least 40% of your spare time. While doing so, you learn to sit and watch shows that confuse you, clean up strange hairs in the sink, and listen to the occasional mental breakdown until eventually you are an “insider” in their unique culture and you consider them friends of your own.

-Your significant other’s friends are still their friends. While dating this person, you’ll spend many drunk weekends with their friends until you love them a little bit, and then when you break up you never really hang out with them again. They get to keep their friends – hard fact, but true.

-All guys watch porn and pee in bottles occasionally. If you can’t handle this, you’re in for a rough ride.

-How to reference your own body. When you’re single and dating a lot, you become self-conscious about odd sunburn patterns, how you look putting on makeup, how often you go to the bathroom. Long-term relationships teach you to generally not care about these things, giving you an openness about yourself that you don’t even notice anymore.

-Many relationships end, and that’s ok. This is what separates the serial monogamist from the regular monogamist. The long-timer has the mentality that you make it work no matter what, that all problems come to pass. The serial monogamist learns from many relationships to spot the signs of wear, of losing interest, of being ultimately incompatible.

-You learn to have high expectations. You can compare what a lot of people are like when you really get to know them, and know when you’re dealing with something you don’t deserve. Most people don’t smoke pot 8 times a day. Most people don’t pass out in the kitchen when they’re drunk. Most people don’t solely buy you Target underwear on your birthday.

-Birth control works. You’ve tested it time and time again. No babies.

Becky Lang

Photo by Michael Inscoe