Things God Should Give Becky Lang for Her Birthday

Things God Should Give Becky Lang for Her Birthday

A complete redesign for the Internet at least once every six months, so no site’s design ever sucks again

Making all music critics 25% more negative, and all Twin Cities music critics 50% more negative

Permanent dominion over the name “leckybang” in all social media that exist and will ever exist

The ability to take off her thinking cap and just take a goddamn nap whenever the hell she feels like it

A chip to implant in her brain for a direct, constant feed from Google Analytics

A sudden windfall of wealth for Ian Power so he can build a giant lakeside mansion to house us all while he walks around in a bathrobe and slippers, calling pizza places and blogging about it

A Becky Bjorn so at music festivals we can take turns carrying Becky around

A cab driver who will be promptly available when summoned via text message, but who won’t respond with inappropriately flirtatious messages of disappointment when Becky needs to cancel

Immunity from overly friendly waves and honks by truck drivers who Becky makes the mistake of making eye contact with during road trips

A Tornado Man who will appear when Becky is cold and hungry, and will hand her a pair of hot, fried, tubular food items to warm her hands and then save in her purse to keep near but not necessarily ever eat

Jay Gabler

Photoillustration by Brad Surcey