If Whiskey Was a Personality Type

If Whiskey Was a Personality Type


Your friendships

As you slither in from a night of partying, you pick up your cat and deposit a fat kiss on its wet nose. As a whiskey, you’re prone to friendliness and affection, but you also have a gruff side. You’re friendly, but only with a certain group of people, and only at certain times. When you’re with this group you’re about as amiable and open as they come. You’ll talk about anything–from sex to love to your newly pregnant 17-year-old cousin–er, okay, you’ll talk mostly about sex. You’re a relentless shit-talker, not because you’re mean, but because you’re honest. Remember, you’re a gruff motherfucker, and you like it that way. Others do too. But also, cat kisses–you give them in abundance. If you had a dog (too much fucking work) you’d probably give dog kisses too. Those who don’t understand can fuck off.

Your sexual relationships
You’re quick in love and it’s for the long haul. You’ll be honest about your problems and you’ll try to find solutions to them. You may not always be the nicest toward one another, but what you have works because you wouldn’t want it any other way. You see the quirk in your partner, and you’re obsessed with it. You’re not like, say, a vodka, who jumps in and out of relationships as though it’s hopscotch. You’re serious about someone, and you want to be serious about them forever, even if you know there’ll be some misery involved. Misery is just fine–rumor has it that misery promotes fiery sex.

Attitude toward religion
It can fuck off.

Attitude toward family
Your family is comfortable and likely too close. You’re typically warm with one another, but there’ll be occasional fights because you’re all opinionated as fuck. You forget about the fights quickly and easily, no matter how bad they were. You’ll want kids someday, and perhaps you’re in the process of making children right now, as you read this. They’ll all be whiskeys too. Whiskey is a dominant personality trait. Occasionally, a whiskey will give birth to a bourbon or a Scotch, but those are just different types of whiskeys. You get along well with them.

Thoughts on government
Much like religion, it can fuck off. So long as the government isn’t over-taxing you or giving you the bureaucratic run-around, it’s just fine. It serves a purpose. But, honestly, who cares? You’re apathetic until some elected wackadoodle begins to threaten your rights as a whiskey, perhaps introducing legislation that makes it impossible for you to be the whiskey you were born to be. No one can really change a whiskey.

Jason Zabel