“God Needed a Driver” and Other Ways of Justifying Unexpected Death
Dale Earnhardt: Guess God needed a driver.
Great-Grandma Edna: Guess God needed an angel.
My Uncle Dave: Guess God needed an alcoholic divorcee.
Long-time Baseball Coach: Guess God needed to take some infield.
Amy Winehouse: Guess God needed a heroin-addled pop star.
Dad: Guess God needed an asshole.
Random Homeless Guy: Guess God needed someone to sleep in his trashcan.
Boy Hit By Train: Guess God needed a Little Leaguer.
Teenage Girl on Prom Night: Guess God needed someone to sleep with Joey’s best friend.
98-Year-Old Turtle: Guess God needed to reassert his dominion over crawling beasts.
Cocktail Waitress On the Way Home: Guess God needed road head.
Banker Who Donated a Lot of His Money to Town Functions But Still Lived a Life of Celebrated Excess: Guess God needed a douchebag who foreclosed on my parents.
My new sweater in the dryer: Guess God needed JCPenny’s wool-polyester blend.
My neighbor’s dog: Guess God needed some variation on a pug.
My former high school English teacher: Guess God needed his sentences diagrammed.
My former belief in a Supreme Deity: Guess God needed a God needed a God needed a God needed a God…