We’re not quite in the era of the paperless office—if that were the case, we’d all spend a lot less time swearing at printers—but we’re close enough that paper is feeling the heat. Paper manufacturer Domtar, whose first PR problem is that their name sounds like a forgotten He-Man action figure, have enlisted Eric Mower and Associates (“EMA uses deep human insight to craft powerful, integrated solutions that do more than just convey a message. They resonate within your customers’ hearts and minds”) to help them make the world feel good about paper again.

I was actually feeling fairly neutral about paper, but the defensive talking points on the campaign’s Pitch Engine page seem to indicate that hatin’ on paper is increasingly prevalent. (The image above is from one of the ads in the campaign.) Unfortunately, the best arguments this campaign can muster in favor of paper actually make me feel worse about paper than I did before. Let’s go through them one by one:

It’s easier to learn on paper, because reading on paper is up to 30 percent faster than reading online.

The logical gaps here make the Bush Administration’s case for war with Iraq look like a doctoral thesis in philosophy. Does reading faster necessarily mean reading better? And also, does that saved time really make up for the enormous amounts of time and energy spent producing, distributing, and storing printed material? And for the fact that printed material can only be updated by being replaced?

Nearly 60 percent of senior executives prefer print versus online information.

I’ll bet they do! For one thing, senior executives are not unlikely to be senior citizens as well—and why should they want to change the system of information storage that vaulted them up the rungs of the corporate ladder in the 1970s? Also, if I’m a senior executive and I have secretaries to deliver my relevant e-mail to me to peruse in hard copy while I put my feet up on the desk and sip the coffee my secretary also just brought me, then dictate a few action items…why the hell wouldn’t I? I’m guessing those senior executives, though, wouldn’t be in favor of making all their employees print their e-mails and take care of business via first-class mail. You don’t get to be a senior executive by being a dummy.

Three out of four people have made a purchase as a result of direct mail.

If I’m reading this census chart correctly, about three our of four Americans are at least 30 years old, meaning they’ve been of buying age at a time when you couldn’t just go online and buy any damn thing you want. This is like saying, “Three out of four people have at some point in their life had a land line as their primary telephone. Now don’t you want to trade in your iPhone?”

Paper is one of the most recycled products on the planet; more than 63 percent of the paper that’s used gets recycled.

And 37 percent goes right in the ol’ landfill. We’re not exactly hardline environmentalists here at The Tangential, but we can at least say that zero percent of this blog has ever gone in a landfill.

Domtar collaborates with the Rainforest Alliance and other environmental organizations to encourage environmentally sound, sustainable forestry practices, high levels of recycling and the use of renewable energy at its manufacturing facilities.

That’s great, Domtar. So, wait…why are you telling us all this again? Oh, right…because 37 percent of your product ends up in landfills.

I will at least give this campaign credit for drawing my attention. What caught my eye was an ad in National Geographic, showing a little girl happily putting a letter in a mail slot. “56% of people,” reads the ad copy, “say they enjoy receiving mail, as long as it’s not bills.”

The other 44% of people, apparently, say fuck your postcards! Just send me a Twitpic.

– Jay Gabler