How to Give a Good Mercy Lay

How to Give a Good Mercy Lay

So that guy has been dying to lay you for months now, and you feel bad for him. He’s really not a bad guy, or unattractive—you’re just not that into him. But he’s had a rough summer, and you want to do him a favor. But just one favor, one time. Here’s how:

1. Invite yourself over to his place. You don’t really need to have a good pretense. Actually, you might as well amuse yourself and surprise him by making it something really absurd. Like, tell him that you want to see his building because your aunt is dating his landlord, and you want to snoop around and see how the guy takes care of his properties. That’s not going to sound to him like a come-on line, but once you’ve arranged a time, he’ll start wildly fantasizing.

2. Booze it up. Once you’re on the scene, get him to start serving the drinks. Not to the point where you don’t know what you’re doing, but to the point where banging an only okay-looking guy is just a little more enjoyable than it would otherwise be. He’ll probably be policing himself to avoid any whiskey-dick scenario on the wild off-chance that you want to have sex with him—but in case he gets nervous and starts hitting it a little hard, be prepared to move fast before things get awkward.

3. Don’t beat around the bush. By this point he’s had more than enough teasing, and there’s no need to get into crazy foreplay or all-night shenanigans. You just want to let him lay you so he can be like, holy shit, I can’t believe I just laid her! Keep your focus. If he suddenly reveals unexpected skills or attributes, congratulations! If not, just hand him a rubber (which you of course brought) and do the deed. If he starts crying or getting emotional, shush him. If necessary, threaten to leave.

4. Wrap it up and hit the road. Cuddling will just complicate things. Tell him you had fun, but you don’t see a relationship happening between you. Lie about his hot bod and sexual prowess, then go.

5. Pat yourself on the back. You are a truly kind, merciful human being.

Sophie Lane

Photo by Tino & Tina (Creative Commons)