Ginger Ale: You have an upset stomach and no one around has any Pepto-Bismol. Or you are just staring at the mostly full glass, desperately hoping that someone will walk by and pour a shot of Jameson in it.

Diet Coke: You are an addict. Diet Coke is basically crack for the 18-35 demographic who cares enough about their caloric intake to not drink regular pop, but not enough to stop eating cheeseburgers and pizza.

Pepsi: You hate Coca-Cola’s omnipresent global marketing, like that time you were in a shanty town on the coast of Honduras and there were Coke advertisements all over the walls of shacks that were made from tree branches. The people didn’t wear shoes and many didn’t have shirts, but they did have signs and posters telling them to enjoy Coca-Cola.

Shasta/Sam’s Choice/Other Store Brands: You are ballin’ on a budget. You also care nothing about taste.

Root Beer/Cream Soda: You are under the age of 11 or over the age of 55.

Soda Water/Tonic: You are a recovering alcoholic.

Any flavor of Mountain Dew other than regular Mountain Dew or Code Red: You are overweight. Whether male or female, you have shoulder-length hair pulled back in a ponytail. You are way into online gaming.

Fresca: Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you.

RC Cola: You have the ability to think for yourself. You also enjoy the taste of battery acid.

Diet Dr. Pepper: You care about flavor and about not getting fat, but you don’t care about ingesting artificial sweeteners or the long-term, negative health effects they have on your body.

-Dan Fleischhacker

Photo by vwb5