What the Sesame Street Characters Would Be Like in Bed

What the Sesame Street Characters Would Be Like in Bed

Elmo: Just wants to cuddle. Gets especially excited when you tickle him under the chin.

Zoe: Over excitable. She wants to try everything at least twice. You pull on her fur and she becomes slightly hysterical.

Big Bird: You only go home with him because you’re wasted and lonely. He talks the whole way through, and later confesses that you were his first. You confess that you don’t care.

Count von Count: Victoriously counts your orgasms, but breaks the mood with a huge thunderclap that causes the cat to jump yowling and scratching all over you both.

Grover: Clumsy, unshaven, and unapologetically gassy.

Ernie: Sweetly oblivious to your pickup lines, until you suggest outright that you go down on him. He blushes, and when you unzip his fly, he laughs awkwardly.

Cookie Monster: Not a choosy lover. He likes it hard and rough and makes strange om nom noises. For a week afterwards, you keep finding crumbs in your bed.

Oscar the Grouch: His bachelor pad leaves something to be desired. His misery intrigues you. He’s standoffish and reminds you a little of your dad. Afterwards, he tells you he hated it.

Telly Monster: He wants to do it in weird positions. He wants to use his pogo stick on you. When you refuse, he tells you to turn off the lights, and he asks you, “Can you pretend to be a triangle?”

Kermit the Frog: Hesitant at first. You tell him that you’ll take it slow, but he’s still not really into it until you put on the pink tutu and blonde wig that he keeps under his bed.

Bert: Can’t look you in the eye. Halfway through he starts calling you Ernie. He calls you in the middle of the night, a few weeks later, and asks, in a husky voice, if you could please slide on your sweater. The one with the horizontal stripes.

– Helen Mahar

Photo by Auntie Rain (Creative Commons)