I’m just like Christopher Walken, so just like him I’m going to get kidnapped Suicide Kings style. Those kids are going to steal from me. So, what could they take?

My identity. Welcome to $20,000 in student debt and the $500 in my savings account. No there’s not even a college diploma that goes along with it yet. You could get a few hundred for my passport though…I’m sorry that it has a Syria stamp on it because whoever you sell it to will get stopped at airports.

My car. Yeah, there’s no air-conditioning. No — no you’ll have to crank all of the windows down by hand. No automatic anything in here. That sound is just the muffler that’s rusted out and now bumping against the pavement. Actually it’s necessary that you keep the windows down or you’ll get carbon monoxide poisoning.

Its parts. At least you can strip my car for parts. What’s that? They’re devoid of value because the car is a Cavalier from the nineties that has been through a flood?

The contents of my car. OK but at least you can steal the stuff that’s in my car. In the trunk there’s a down mattress pad that has survived 3 years of college and absorbed 5 boyfriends worth of semen. Will you be taking that? There’s also a printer/scanner back there that can only print — it’s just extra-huge.  Books? Would you take my books? Why no, in fact they’re not textbooks that you could resell for hundreds of dollars. They’re paperbacks of poetry, plays and novels I bought from Half Priced Books. There are several emergency outfits you could take – they’re mostly sundresses from Forever21 in a medium. I hope your girlfriend has big tits.

Stuff from my dorm/house. Just carjack me. I’ll take you back to my place and you can steal all the valuable stuff I have there. Like my cat, he’s quasi-trained to do cool stuff. Or you could steal my family’s riding lawn mower that my dad “fixed,” or their TVs from 2004.  Hey there are a couple mortgages you could take, too. Actually, could you please cosign my next loan? Please?

–Mira Fields