What The Names of Commonly-Abused Prescription Pills Make Me Think They Would Do

What The Names of Commonly-Abused Prescription Pills Make Me Think They Would Do

Oxycontin: This is one of those round cotton discs covered in pimple-killing acid. Popular with boys who work at pizza delivery places.

Adderall: This enhances the rational left side of the brain, making one better at logic and math. This is often given to people who just want to lay on the ground and listen to Radiohead and think about painting naked people.

Wellbutrin: This is based on the drug in the book The Giver, which makes one lose their sex drive, their ability to see color, and feel generally happy and ready to be a good citizen in a utopia that is secretly a dystopia!

Lithium: This was one of the initial elements in the beginning of the universe, so I’m guessing it makes you feel more “tied into the fabric of reality” via simplifying your general biological processes, turning you slowly into a murky, cloudy goo over the course of ~40 years.

Valium: This releases a dose of will-power-inducing glucose into the brain via a shot up the nose. Prescribed to compulsive shoppers.

Ativan: This drug was developed by a scientist turned hare krishna back in the 70s, when he found it had a mild ability to produce human motivation and a lust for travel. It is suggested to start feeding this to children when they reach the proper age to join scouts.

Ritalin: This is a diminutive form of RIT dye used to turn soda an artificial color by dropping it in a fizzy glass, which gives a user a satisfying feeling as he watches it change colors.

Vicodin: This one sounds like “vicar,” thus I’m guessing it literally allows God to speak through you. Prescribed for baptisms and other holiday parties.

Becky Lang

Photo by timsamoff