50 U.S. States, Ranked from Most to Least Disposable: 41-50
41. Louisiana. N’awlins, Creole, Jambalaya, bayou…America would just be so much less fun to talk about without Louisiana. It’s also the last chunk of Mississippi Delta I haven’t callously chucked. Oh well, on to the next.
42. Illinois. Land of Lincoln! And Reagan. But I’ve already jettisoned the lands of Washington, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, Harrison, Tyler, Taylor, Wilson, Grant, Hayes, Garfield, Harrison, McKinley, Taft, Harding, Polk, Johnson, Arthur, Coolidge, Clinton, Bush, Carter, Obama, Hoover, Truman, Ford, Pierce, and Jackson—so Lincoln can suck it up. I’ll just have to remember to bring my passport for Pitchfork next year.
43. Florida. The Everglades, Miami, Disney World, Will Smith and Tom Petty. Florida is pretty goddamn American for a state that was only the 27th admitted. Still, you can’t make an omelet without breaking some oranges. Everything must go.
44. New Jersey. The Garden State is one of our six least disposable states not just because of Bruce Springsteen—because of Snooki.
45. Pennsylvania. Philadelphia is a pivotal American city, but Pennsylvania’s belt is getting a little rusty. Time for the heave-ho.
46. Tennessee. One word: Graceland. But Elvis ended (supposedly), and so must Tennessee’s time in our fair union. Give my regards to Beale Street.
47. Texas. There’s just a big fat chunk of the U.S.A. here. From the Alamo to Buddy Holly, Texas is a linchpin of the American mosaic. Oh, crap, was that a mixed metaphor? Bad sign. Better go, Lone Star State.
48. Massachusetts. At least one reader on Facebook has already bet that Massachusetts would be the single least disposable state, because of its abundance of Rotaries. I was thinking more like the Freedom Trail, Paul Revere’s ride, the Boston Tea Party, Lexington and Concord, the common where George Washington first took command of the Continental Army, etc. But sure, Rotaries. Or did she mean rotaries? Either way, we’re down to the two least disposable states, and the Bay State doesn’t make the cut.
49. California. It’s a close call for single least disposable state. For billions of people around the world, California is quintessential America: Hollywood, beaches, conspicuous consumption, hubris and pollution. (Sit down, northern Californians! You’re totally different up there, right, whatever, I know.) But at this point, we can keep only one state, and the Dominion of Schwarzenegger must bid adieu. Or adios, whatever.
50. New York. The big city is just it—the economic and cultural hub of the world. But the city alone might not have landed the Empire State at the bottom of the most-disposable list: there’s also upstate New York, a huge swath of land extending from the edge of the Midwest into the heart of New England. So you think that’s kind of unfair, that New York should win just because it’s so big? All I have to say to that is: welcome to America.