What I’d Be Doing At Pitchfork If I Could Have Gone This Year

What I’d Be Doing At Pitchfork If I Could Have Gone This Year



11:13 AM. Start walking to festival. Pose by Harpo Studios. Shout, “Oprah!”

12:00 PM. Stop for a bloody mary and beers at biker bar, Twisted Spoke.

1:40 PM.  Arrive fashionably late to festival. Use port-a-potty before they get disgusting.

3:12 PM. Regret buying $6 peanut satay.

3:45 PM. Sit in shade, take discreet photos of girls with unshaven armpits.

4:00 PM.  Wait in line to spin the Threadless wheel. Win a pad of paper. Whine.

5:17 PM. Sit by fence. Get asked to watch bag of drugs while kids enter through security.

6:48 PM. Give my stack of beer cups to some kids collecting them for swag.

7:22 PM. Stare at stoned hula hoopers “performing” on baseball diamond.

8:03 PM. Laugh at drunk guys confessing their love of “indie chicks.” Take pictures of them.

8:05 PM. Buy two more beers and position myself for final show.

10:07 PM. Swear at my Chuck Taylors for being so uncomfortable.

11:17 PM. Somehow get to the beach. Get kicked off by angry security men on four-wheelers.

11:30 PM. Find a house party in Lincoln Park. Put shirt in the freezer because it’s too hot.

12:12 AM. Impress people with puns.

1:39 AM. Lose a shoe.


2:30 PM. Sleep in really late. Miss first three sets.

2:45 PM. Buy more beer.

3:12 PM. Spin the Threadless wheel again. Win crappy hipster sunglasses.

4:08 PM. Buy soy ice cream cone. Regret spending $5 on a scoop of flavorless soy ice cream.

4:30 PM. Buy remaining food items from Whole Foods for $1 each. Sit on grass eating an entire tub of hummus.

5:14 PM. Keep a tally of girls dressed the same. Also, a tally of girls in clothes from Target.

5:48 PM. Collect napkins to use as toilet paper in the port-a-potty.

6:00 PM. Barely survive the port-a-potty. Rest in the grass by the Balance stage.

6:32 PM. Realize I’m sitting in the middle of a bunch of lawn chairs. Wonder what type of person brings lawn chairs to Pitchfork. Spot hipster babies in American Apparel onesies. Find new place to sit.

7:00 PM. Spin Threadless wheel one more time. Win buttons. Ask to trade for a shirt. Get denied.

7:12 PM. See someone I know. Feign excitement.

7:30 PM. Take photos of guys with beards. Realize that’s creepy. Position myself in front of them and have a friend take the photos.

7:52 PM. Accept a flower from a girl. Promise to love the earth.

8:00 PM. Buy three beers. Claim to be capable of holding them all.

8:02 PM. Nearly drop one.

9:12 PM. Briefly contemplate crowdsurfing. Decide I’m too hungry.

10:10 PM. Shout at cars on Ogden Ave.

11:40 PM. Order ginormous pizza at Piece. Regret adding banana peppers.

1:12 AM. Buy ice cream sandwich from convenience store under the L.

1:28 AM. Contemplate breaking into the zoo.

??? AM. Fall asleep with sandals on.

Heidi Thomasoni probably has a picture of you at Pitchfork.