On News: Hey is this thing on? Turn me up! Turn me up, Johnny! Yo, it’s DJ Lazer, no rant, no slant, just making puddles in your pants, hey-ya! Anyway, there’s something with the unemployment rate, couple stories about grizzly bears—cute!—and a dude got arrested for public intoxication. And it wasn’t me! I swear it wasn’t me!

On Weather: Yo DJ Lazer’s in your grill, y’all. Wi-ki-wi-ki SLIM SHADY. Yo, play my bumper music, dog! Forget you. Anyway, I’m looking out my window here, and shit’s looking good man, sun’s up high, blue skies, real tits-jiggly. I might go next door to see if Kerri Miller wants to have a booze cruise later on today with the D-J-L-Z.

On Music: Um, next up is this real sick jam by some guy named Igor Stra-vin-skee. Skeet skeet what?! Stick around cuz after that we’re jamming to that hot dope early Baroque sound.

On Midday: Helllooo MPR Nation! Gary’s gonna have a thoughtful conversation over the noon hour with some top economist bro, and I’m going to be making funny faces through the studio window at them—check out photos on my Facebook page.

On Garrison Keillor: Hey-ho! Don’t taze me bro! Ha! Anyway, that show my Grandpa listens to is coming up next. That guy cracks me up! Plus, it’s Saturday night, which means everyone get shirtless! And start pouring those Long Islands.

On This American Life: Cum-a-cum-a-cum-a-cum-a—chameleon…hey hey, oh we’re on?! Yike! Yo it’s DJ Lazer, stick around for NPR dweebs. We’s got that dude with the girly voice coming into talk about ISSUES and stuff, knowwhatimsaying.

On the Arts: Yo, did someone rip one in the studio this morning? My ass is clean, but there’s a juicy lucy in here, and I’m looking at you, intern girl.

On Pledge Drives: My producer tells me you can contribute at any level for prizes, but hold up now, let me break it down for y’all, if someone sends in $100 right now, I will shave my nut hairs off. Swear. To. God. Right here in the studio!

– Dunstan McGill