Ok, 90’s music mostly sucked. It was sincere and ooey-gooey, full of people in cargo tanks strumming guitars and loving fun and loving love. Isn’t it nice to live in a decade when our bands are named things like “Fucked Up” and they just sing about Greyhound buses and french fries? Yeah, it is. It makes me want a 4 Loko just thinking about it.

Without further ado, here is our list of what hardcore fans of these bands would have realistically been getting booty to in the 90s.

Animal Collective = Radiohead: Just to make Radioheadheads mad. And because it’s true.

Fleet Foxes = Sister Hazel: Add more caffeine, point them at a teenybopper movie soundtrack, and Fleet Foxes could have written “All for You”

TV on The Radio = Stereolab: I want to do ecstasy and play Lite Brite while I listen to this

James Blake = Brian McKnight: Turn on the christmas lights and take off your panties

tUnE-yArDs = Joan Osborne

Zola Jesus = Alanis Morissette: Is there a thing called “female testosterone?”

Twin Sister = The Cardigans

Battles = The Avalanches: Funhouse fun!

Das Racist = Destiny’s Child: Three freaking HOT booties. “I’M AT THE BOOTYLICIOUS TACO BELL”

Neko Case = Gillian Welch

Thurston Moore = Bob Mould

Woods = Redhouse Painters: I feel sincere and it’s pretty

No Age = The Offspring: The super fuzz rock that hormonal boys love now was once channeled into shouty, “Beavis and Butthead”-inspired punk

Odd Future = Weezer: Cuz … lol

Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti = Nirvana: Messy blonde hair, endless cred

Guided By Voices = Velvet Underground (yes, the Velvet Underground actually reunited in the 1990s)

Nobody = Smashmouth: Never again will such a sexually ambivalent band exist to mourn the 1960s

Destroyer = Spiritualized: YES I’LL GET THEATRICAL TO SHOW MY LOVE, MY COMPLICATED LOVE, FOR YOU

Pitchfork = TRL: People pretend to hate P4k so they can look ahead of the curve, just like we all did with TRL

Pitchfork Music Festival = Nickelodeon’s Big Help: “Kids!” was to the 90s what “Buzzband” is to this decade.

-Staff

P.S. We’ll be at Pitchfork next weekend, so check for our coverage!

Photo by Nolan Wells