American History Through the Eyes of Asshole “Put it in Perspective” Facebook Statuses

American History Through the Eyes of Asshole “Put it in Perspective” Facebook Statuses

Declaration of Independence. Guess we got ourselves a real country now. Don’t come crying to me when the mule tax goes up by double. (44 likes)

Louisiana Purchase: What do we need more land for? Enough freeloaders and dirt-worshippers the way it is! (3 likes)

Emancipation Proclamation: Yippy-yah! Listen: Lincoln’s only aiming for the slave vote, anyway. Watch his poll numbers bounce. (1 like)

Industrial Revolution:  My dad’s been wearing the same pair of hand-hewn cotton britches for 20 years, and now some mucky-muck with a waterwheel’s gonna tell me how to stitch MY pants?! Where’s my country going? (31 likes)

Orville Wright’s Bi-Plane: If you ask me, God gave wings to birds and not to man for a reason. What’s next? Going underwater? (0 likes)

Invention of Submarine: Fuck!? Are you kidding me? (2 likes)

Scopes v. Monkey Trial: Everyone who thinks we evolved from monkeys can kiss my ass. P.S. Anyone catch last weekend’s Bojangles vaudeville in Jefferson City? Heard it got great reviews. (25 likes)

Pearl Harbor: Yeah yeah yeah, thousands dead, day of infamy, national tragedy, but do you know what? We’re not being told the REAL STORY! FDR knew about attack 12 hours in advance. (3 likes)

Beatles Play Ed Sullivan: Everyone who’s posting tonight about those British mop-heads needs to GET A LIFE! It was reported today that 150,000 people died last year in Ferris Wheel accidents and not one of you has talked about that. (150 likes)

Nixon Resigns: Whatever happened to people in glass houses shouldn’t cast the first stone?! So the president lied? Does your conscience bother YOU?! (3 likes)

Berlin Wall Falls: Maybe you didn’t notice when you were parading through the streets, but oppression still exists, people. In the last 45 seconds, dozens of people have been kidnapped in Argentina and forever silenced by communist rebels.  (84 likes)

Facebook is Invented: Call me cynical, but I guess I’m not convinced Facebook is anything more than a new way for creepy old guys to masturbate to Ivy League co-eds. P.S. Did anyone see the latest tax rates for mules?! Don’t say-I-told-you-so. (2,523 likes)

~Dunstan McGill