1. I am Kellogg’s ® Brand Pop Tarts. Thou Shall Have No Other Toastable Fruit-Filled Pastries Before Me. If thou buyest the off-brand Toast’em Pop-Ups, thou will sorely regret it, for they taste like the offspring of a Pop Tart and a piece of corrugated cardboard.
2. Thou Shall Not Bow Down and Worship Idols. I’m talking to thee, Toaster Strudels. Thou art undoubtedly a tasty breakfast treat, but forget not from whence thou came. There is a time and place for Strudels, usually Sundays about 2 p.m. while in bed. And there is a time and place for Pop Tarts, which is all other times and all other places.
3. Thou Shall Not Forget the Milk. Pop Tarts are like water slides: disappointing when dry. Concurrent drinking will suffice, but the truly devout dunk. A soggy Pop Tart is a happy Pop Tart.
4. Remember the Toaster, and Keep it Holy. P-Tizzles are snacktastic on-the-go, but do not take the toaster’s name in vain. Every time a Pop Tart pops, an angel gets a high-five.
5. Honor Your Pop Tart Innards, and Tell the Crusty Bits to Fuck Right Off. Waste not want not, so don’t go breaking the crust off your Pop Tart and just throwing it against the wall. Eating the crusties on a Pop Tart is like flogging yourself for Jesus – you just do it, damnit, and while you’re enduring the pain you think of the eternity of bliss that awaits you. Nibble the edges off, grimacing if necessary, and enjoy the middle at your leisure.
6. Thou Shall Not Abandon a Pop Tart. They come in twos for a reason: only pussies and harlots eat one Pop Tart at a time. Not hungry enough for two Pop Tarts? Then don’t open the fucking package, you sad excuse for an American. Go spoon some Flax Seed Oil or wheat germ into your pathetic gob and cry because you’re not eating two Pop Tarts right now.
7. Thou Shall Not Burn a Pop Tart. If thou burnest the Pop Tart, thou shall pay penance for ten thousand years in the eighth circle of hell (the breakfast foods circle). Toaster setting number two, people. One’ll barely warm your fruit filling, and three will burn your entire house down.
8. Thou Shall Not Argue When I Proclaimeth S’mores Pop Tarts to Be the Superior Pop Tart. This seemeth obvious.
9. Thou Shall Not Bear False Witness Against a Pop Tart. If your friend asks how your Pop Tart is, thou shall tell the truth and say it is most delicious, even if you’re afraid your friend might then wish to partake if your Pop Tarts. Which brings us to…
10. Thou Shall Share Pop Tarts, You Greedy Bastard. Spread the good word to all. Be a Pop Tart Evangelical. Give unto others a packet of Pop Tarts as you would have them give unto you, I don’t know, a frozen burrito or the rest of their bag of chips or something. Turnabout is fair play.