Red-blooded partier: This person’s feed picks up between 1-4 a.m., starting with statuses like “where i can i find a strip club that sells steak?” Eventually they progress into critiques of anonymous people they see on the street. “Yeah, it’s cuz ur ugly lol.” Eventually it fizzles out into all-caps rap lyrics. “PUSSY PLATTER.”
New-age stoner chick: This person apparently lives in a tree house and sleeps on a prayer mat. “Had a dream that said I should live in harmony with the squirrels, lol,” she’ll tweet. An hour later, she’s had a 5 a.m. breakthrough – “Finished coloring in my velvet poster!” Then, a snack update. “Almond milk.” Okay!
Relatively famous person who can apparently say whatever they want: “Anybody got any coke?” pops up on your feed, letting you know that they live above the law, you know the one that makes people paranoid to even text message about pot. Later on it’s a play-by-play of girls at their apartment, full names included, along with what they’re doing to his dick.
Adderall abuser: “ADDERALL LIFE!” This person tweets about how productive they are sure, but there’s also a lot of wired 4 a.m. tweets followed by vomit-related hangover updates. Related: tweets about how often they don’t eat, how hard eating is, and how thin they are.
Xanax/Ativan admirer: “In line at the post office. Need Xanax now. Dreaming of it.” They have a slight problem with popping one and then enjoying vodka a bit too much, and they’ll tweet spacey things about Sex and the City while falling asleep on the couch. “Miranda was an ostrich in her past life …”
Person who has an affectionate relationship with their alcoholism: Everyone knows this bro drinks too much, and aw shucks, it’s kinda sweet. “Four beers in!” he’ll chirp at 9 p.m. Twenty people will respond, “Come meet up with me!” A couple hours later, “How did I get here?” Then it’s misspelling hour, which is deleted the next morning, along with a reflection on severity of hangover + proposal to 1,000 followers that it’s brunch time.