Babies tend to be cute and short, but often they just sort of giggle and grab at invisible shapes in the air with their squishy, fatty-pants fingers.

Babies lack the dexterity for full-contact sports and the mental acumen to speak about fiscal policy in the wake of the Arab Spring.

Babies cannot comb their own hair.

Babies would just as soon spend the day bouncing on top of a combo washer-dryer.

Babies will mess with your head.

Babies will play patty-cake, but what the hell for?

Babies succumb to their emotions in shopping centers.

Babies universally reject cruelty to animals in principle, but will often be seen crudely bludgeoning dogs and cats with their balled-up fists of fury given the chance.

Babies will only eat their peas. one. at. a. time.

Babies are not good character witnesses.

Babies are squishy fatty pants, yesyouare!

Babies are to blame for Chernobyl, yesyouareagain!

Babies do not pay taxes.

Babies go all giggly-goo at the sight of smiling cartoon farm animals, for no apparent reason.

Babies inspire T-shirts like “Momma’s Little Angel” and “Grandpa’s Little Fucker” that are sold in roadside gas stations in places like Worthington, Minnesota.

– Dunstan McGill