Hey! You’re right! That’s a pretty cute baby you’ve got there. Yes, I can see that it’s adorable when it sucks on its bottle. Guess what. My cat quit the nip ages ago. Nips are for sissies. What else does your baby eat? Mushy cereal? My cat eats meat. Like a man.

Yeah, I can sort of see that your baby has your husband’s nose and your eyes, but it really just looks like an alien. Guess what. My cat looked like a cat as soon as it came out. My cat also doesn’t have your husband’s messed up proportions and your history of asthma; my cat is the product of a whore and a sex machine, which makes her a strong, independent warrior.

Eww, what’s that smell? Your baby pooped on itself? That’s pretty gross. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? Oh, you’re wiping off the poop. My cat poops in a box.

Your baby can’t move on its own? Wow. That really sucks. My cat has been walking for a long time. I suppose that means your baby can’t jump onto bookshelves or balance on windowsills. That must be rough. What do you show your friends?

Oh! Okay, I get it. People just like to stare at it. You must have some pretty lame friends then. My cat retrieves balls, crawls into shopping bags, and attacks stuffed bears. She can also roll over. Can your baby roll over? Not for another few months? What kind of baby did you get, exactly?

What tricks can your baby do? It drools? Well, my cat can open doors and smell cheese from a mile away. Drooling is cool, though. Are you sure your baby is healthy? Sounds like rabies.

Yeah, my cat pretty much does whatever she wants whenever she damn well pleases. Where’s your baby? Oh, that’s right. It’s still in the same place you left it, crying because you left it.

I think you chose the wrong pet.

– Heidi Thomasoni’s cat also loves beer and Gardetto’s.