People in the Looming Minnesota State Government Shutdown, as Played by Characters in a McDonald’s Happy Meal
Grimace, as Governor Dayton – His voice is garbly, he has a mysterious, convoluted past that no one wants to talk about, and he looks like an eggplant. But, you’re pretty sure whatever he says may just be right because he has a warm and fuzzy effect on you when you put him in your hands/listen to him talk about taxes/dump his head in ketchup.
Fry Guy, as House Speaker Zellers — There’s not much known about Fry Guy, other than his head is made up of French fries, nor is there about Zellers, other than his head is filled with reasons we shouldn’t tax the richest 2%/tiny French fries. Although, just from looking at Fry Guy and Zellers, you sort of figure they’d easily be made henchmen if a Burger King (ahh!!!) were ever to invade the fort you made, capture Grimace, ransom your apple dippers, and guillotine NASCAR Barbie or whatever. NOOO!!!!! (Fall into pillows, FADE)
Cross-Dressing Mayor McCheese, as Senate Majority Leader Koch — Mayor McCheese, like Amy Koch, is ironically the poster child public servant in the Hayek-ian Welfare State: ornately-overdressed, likely prone to wildly ambiguous decrees (ala “Fight Fraud! Stamp Out the Rising Price on McDoubles!” etc), and possibly connected to the mob/Big Ag, all the while promising fiscal solvency to constituents. Also eyeing Senator Hollandaise’s seat.
Hamburglar, as Tim Pawlenty — Never really seen much around the place anymore, Hamburglar/T-Paw is still your go-to villain. He’s crafty, dresses like a suave Spanish gangster, has a debilitating addiction to hamburgers that leads him on wild crime sprees, and somehow leaves everyone’s property taxes higher after promising no new taxes.
Mac Tonight, as Senate Minority Leader Tom Bakk — He’s got class, superior taste, and a beautiful moon head. It’s too bad he’s not “mainstream enough” to be in the Happy Meal bag/budget debates.
Birdie, as The State Human Services Worker Who’s Getting Axed — It wasn’t a good idea from the get-go, quitting your corporate job, going back to school to get a degree in counseling, trying to save the world all by yourself, and never finding time for a husband/nest/dipping sauce franchise. You threw yourself at different guys—first the dude in the attorney general’s office, then the nursing home manager, and now the city water supervisor. And for what? You’ve got the state worker’s blues. And now you’re getting canned. Guess you’ll do what you always do: roll up those capris, put on those asinine goggles, and go peck some fries off Fry Guy’s head. Hang in there, Birdie.
Ronald McDonald, as Michele Bachmann — A symbol of happiness, purity, and emotional stability overlaying a frenetic, hyper-capitalistic, theocratic cyberbeast bent on designs of national dominion/fast food brand identity–all the while guaranteeing smiles from children. Not really in the Happy Meal/budget talks, but creepily appearing out the corner of your eyes whenever you take a bite into your cheeseburger/get a refill on pop.
– Dunstan McGill