The Secret Hotel Room Rules for Celebrities
Welcome, esteemed musician/actor, buxom groupies, and straggling journalist. We at the Mariott are thrilled to have you in our establishment! These are just a few house rules, and we hope you’ll find them quite reasonable.Happy hoteling!
Hot Tub: You are permitted to use the hot tub at any hour, although a later hour, when other patrons have retired, is preferable. You may consume alcoholic beverages in the hot tub, but please dispose of all syringes in the provided sharps container.
Smoke: Absolutely no smoking is allowed in this hotel. Please ash all cigarettes in empty cans or bottles to prevent fires. If you leave behind any amount of marijuana, you shall not get it back.
Animals: If your traveling animal is of the predator or dangerous variety, such as a snake or a rabid wolf, we sincerely hope that you leave the provided “Warning! Flesh Eating Animal” sign on the door for the maid. We learned this the hard way. RIP Maria. Absolutely no horned animals are allowed.
Domestic Issues: Thinking of getting in a fight with your wife, lover or videographer? Please, keep it to shouts. If we hear anything beyond shouts, well, you know what happened to Charlie Sheen. If you break a bottle over someone’s head and decide to go to the beach to contemplate life and death, we request that you not cut your foot and trail blood out the door.
Bodily Fluids: Please aim vomit into a garbage can. We’ve provided you with several extra, and labeled them “vomit bucket” in case you achieve a state where A and B no longer connect. We’ve just about given up on the issue of where and how you go #2. Ejaculatory material is free to end up where it pleases in even non-celebrity hotels.
Smashing Things: Feel free to smash chairs, TVs, lamps, or whatever else you’d like to smash. Rip up a Bible if you’d like. The hotel reserves the right to charge you 3x the original cost for our replacement efforts.
These rules were designed to accommodate your every need. If you wish not to follow them, we’ll simply charge your credit card for any additional damages. On your way out, help yourself to a free car-sized to-go cup of your fountain drink of choice!