What Your Perm Says About You
The name?: The Bernice
Where do you wear this?: To the orthodontist
Sex life?: Everyone who has ever had The Bernice lost her virginity in 1991 while in a Buick Reatta convertible while watching a drive-in screening of The Silence Of The Lambs
Sex life?: Everyone who has ever had The Bernice lost her virginity in 1991 while in a Buick Reatta convertible while watching a drive-in screening of The Silence Of The Lambs
The name?: The Joanna
Where do you wear this?: To a mid-80s courtroom television drama, or anyplace where hair volume is an accessory to first-gen girl power
Sex life?: The Joanna is freaky in the bed, but it’s not for guys who think they can run their hands through it
Sex life?: The Joanna is freaky in the bed, but it’s not for guys who think they can run their hands through it
The name?: The Socket
Where do you wear this?: Anywhere, as long as you’ve been electrocuted first
Sex life?: Before or after she put her finger in the electrical outlet?
Sex life?: Before or after she put her finger in the electrical outlet?
The name?: The Dierdre
Where do you wear this?: To her book club, which is perpetually reading a Margaret Atwood novel
Sex life?: She doesn’t believe in “sex” anymore
Sex life?: She doesn’t believe in “sex” anymore
The name?: The John
Where do you wear this?: To the hairstylist
Sex life?: The cobwebs on this woman’s crotch are as aggressive and bulky as the mass on her head
Sex life?: The cobwebs on this woman’s crotch are as aggressive and bulky as the mass on her head
The name?: The Gay Designer (A.K.A. The Karl Lagerfeld)
Where do you wear this?: On the runway, or at a gay funeral
Sex life?: Involves too many gay men
Sex life?: Involves too many gay men
The name?: The Tina Turner (A.K.A. The Killer)
Where do you wear this?: Funerals, court hearings, killings
Sex life?: The Tina Turner knows how to please a man, and sounds nice when you put your ear to it, but can be deadly if you get too close
Sex life?: The Tina Turner knows how to please a man, and sounds nice when you put your ear to it, but can be deadly if you get too close
The name?: The Phyllis
Where do you wear this?: To a bra burning when she’s with her lefty friends, or high tea when hanging with the more conservative set; The Phyllis is a versatile perm
Sex life?: The Phyllis will only have sex with men who have been divorced at least twice
Sex life?: The Phyllis will only have sex with men who have been divorced at least twice