1)   Find a listing. Look at the qualifications. Decide if you can bullshit “1-3 years experience” when you really have none. Wonder if your high school job at Snyder’s counts as a “fast-paced environment.”

2)   Apply. Decide to write a cover letter that focuses on your strengths (“charming personality, meticulous organizer”) and completely avoids the fact that you have no experience with web editing.

3)   Worry. Freak out that you forgot to mention your experience with Google Analytics and how you occasionally use Twitter. Realize they probably read 500 letters about “dependable, hard-working” individuals and you should have used a thesaurus.

4)   Get a phone interview. They told you you’re a “finalist!” When they call, be in your underwear and tell a few lies about some freelance editing you’ve done.

5)   Worry again. Panic that your reason for wanting the job wasn’t genuine enough. Wonder when a good time to send a thank-you e-mail would be. “Do people even send those for phone interviews?” Ask all your friends what they think. Plan a specific day and time to send the e-mail.

6)   Get a second interview. Figure out how to iron a shirt and tie a tie. Sweat profusely and hope they can’t see your pit stains. Also, hope they don’t think you’re a hippie because of your long hair and mismatched socks.

7)   Worry even more. “I already sent a thank-you e-mail, so do I send another one?” Debate whether to mention you know the son of a guy who works there.

8)   Wait. Consider following up with a phone call. “How long does it take for them to decide?” Wonder if you should give up on this one.

9)   Give-up. Realize they probably saw right through your fabricated internships for companies that mysteriously shut down. Wish they knew how cool and cultured you are.

10)   Repeat.

–Heidi Thomasoni knows lots of people trying to get jobs.

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