I wish Lady Gaga wasn’t so “wise.” I wish she didn’t have opinions about sex and politics and life and culture and fashion and little monsters. I wish Lady Gaga wouldn’t paint her face with strange colors or put implants on her forehead or fashion her hair into the Statue of Liberty. I wish she wouldn’t laugh maniacally while wearing such severe eye make-up. I wish she wouldn’t say that she’s married to New York, or joke about conceiving a song with a city. I wish she hadn’t arrived in that fucking egg. I wish that someone had called her out before she wore those dick shoes. “Gaga, love you, but: those dicks on your feet?”

I wish Gaga was from Kentucky, or Wisconsin, or Wyoming–anywhere but New York City, where little rich girls get strange ideas and have the means to see them through. I wish Gaga would be less sure of herself. I wish she would appear on talk shows without make-up, or maybe with just a “normal” amount. I wish she was “so normal.” I wish she would release a porno of just her and a clone of herself. I wish she would market that porno as a defining moment for little girls everywhere.

I wish she didn’t try so hard.

I wish Lady Gaga hated gay people. I wish she just quit fighting for human rights in general. It’s weird when people believe in things, especially for their own gain. I wish she hated the idea of self-confidence and loving yourself. I wish she was too ashamed of herself to show her face in public.

Finally, I wish Gaga would return my calls. I wish she would fly to my state where I’d pick her up at the airport and we’d hug so hard, say something like “it has been way too long, girlfriend!” I wish Lady Gaga was a real person. I wish I could hug her and forgive her/love her for all of the crazy shit she’s done. You guys, I think I’m Lady Gaga.

–Jason Zabel hasn’t thought about Lady Gaga that much