Marriage is Just a Really Good Excuse
Who are we kidding? Straight people suck at marriage.
Domestic Abuse. “It’s ok if I beat you because I said I’d love you for better or worse. Better for me, worse for you.”
Cheating. “That rock on your finger makes everything alright. Plus, in all honesty, you’ve let yourself go.”
Tax breaks. “I guess I love you if we can file jointly.”
Laziness. “I don’t want to go through the trouble of getting comfortable with someone else. I can fart around you, so let’s just get married.”
Fear. “I don’t even know how I snagged a significant other in the first place, so before it ends, I’m gonna make it permanent.”
Residency. “My ass is about to get deported. I better head to a rural bar and find a willing spouse.”
Jealousy. “That bitch got married before me, and she’s not even pretty. I better give my man an ultimatum.”
War. “If you serve in the army, and I’m your wife, we’ll get money! Shit. If you die, I’ll get even more!”
Sex. “I love Jesus, but I’m really, really horny.”
Fairy Tales. “This is what happened in every Disney princess movie, and I’m a fucking princess.”
Bragging. “My ring, dress, bouquet, limo, party, cake, and husband’s paycheck are all bigger than yours.”
–Heidi Thomasoni only wants to get married so she can wear a flashy ring.