1. We invented the iPad.
How many angels up there in heaven plucking at harps and eating cream cheese on clouds invented a super tablet that lets us do such fun things as play Angry Birds, construct Keynotes and possibly save the doomed newspaper industry – all on the go? Come on, we’re going places!

2. Humans are kind of funny
What other inferior species has such a pal’n’pal relationship with God? Who is going to depict him as a fat hippo cat on South Park once we’re gone?

3. Humans are getting really good-looking
Aside from botox and butt implants, we’re really evolving into some high-class hotties. You think they had Penelope Cruzes back in the B.C. days? Have you looked at classic paintings of women? Heiroglyphs? We’ve come a long way. (Although Cleopatra was smokin’.)

4. Without us, a lot of things on earth will go unappreciated
Who is going to melt at the site of a panda with no humans around? Don’t tell me God is getting rid of pandas too. Not “my” god! Aside from nature’s beings, we’ve invented a lot of things that will be totally useless without us. My cat is not going to appreciate my collection of scented candles when I’m gone.

5. We are adorably befuddled by space
We have come up with some theories about space, stars and the universe that have probably made for endless laughs in the great beyond. The earth revolves around the sun? The moon is made out of cheese? Who are these “humans” and how can we invite them to dinner?

–Becky Lang does not actually have a cat or a collection of scented candles