Inanimate Objects Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Love Child Probably Resembles
A chrome toaster with a buzz cut
A lunch box, but the plastic kind with a handle not the nice insulated kind
A refrigerator box that got left in the rain – a little blurry around the outside
A post hole digger with a dozen black rubber bracelets on the handle
A Ken doll that was put in a microwave
A burning Seraphim, because it’s no coincidence his existence emerges at the dawning of the end of days
John F. Kennedy, weirdly enough
One giant muscle, like a raw porterhouse steak
A Dyson vacuum
An Austrian feather duster
A six-foot-tall Milano cookie
The back of a Danny DeVito cardboard cutout
A pixilated Instagram snapshot of a panda bear made out of LEGOS