Minnesota’s legislature is in the process of passing a constitutional amendment that will outlaw gay marriage—but what’s the point? Gay marriage is already illegal in the Gopher State. Here are five types of marriage that currently plague our fair state in actuality. Hold that amendment, folks, and let’s pile a few more on there for good measure.

1. Second marriages. That first marriage didn’t go so well—why should we trust you with a second one? What? Your first spouse died? Well, whose problem is that?

2. Civil marriages. There are people in this state who believe that they can cheat on their spouses, get divorced, or masturbate without being thrown into eternal hellfire. Are those people you really want to trust with the sacred institution of marriage?

3. Marriages over the age of 30. These are just shady, am I right? Because, come on, what took you so long? You were probably pursuing your career or going to grad school or “looking for Mr. Right” in a lot of seedy bars, and that does not suggest the kind of single-minded focus on matrimony that we like to see in this state. At this point in your life, you probably just want to get married to save on rent and have a lot of sex. That’s not what marriage is about—at least, not in Minnesota.

4. Marriages where the Isley Brothers’ “Shout” is not played at the reception. Why would you get married and not have the DJ play “Shout”? Is that too cheesy for you? Marriage is cheesy—at least, when it’s done right. That snooty attitude is only going to get you in trouble. No union is really sealed until at least one bridesmaid has fallen on her butt while trying to “get a little bit softer now” in four-inch heels. Everybody has a good laugh and reflects on their shared experience of mirth on your blessed day. If you’re too fancy for that, then get the h-e-double-toothpicks out of our state.

5. Marriages made outside of Minnesota. Since we can’t trust neighboring states and countries (we’re looking at you, Canada) to be as morally sound as we are, any marriage originating outside the State of Minnesota will be considered null and void until such time as the couple are legally remarried by the rigorous standards of Minnesota law. If you move to Minnesota as a married couple after turning 30, well, consider this a new lease on life. You can’t be married here, so go have fun! Ride your bike, be a hipster, even be gay! You can do whatever you want in Minnesota, just so long as you don’t do it while you’re married.

– Jay Gabler