The U of M sent me yet another speed dating invitation. The stats: June 16, ages 22-33, $25 (but only $15 for your friend hoping to score with a doctor).

The LANer for Life. This guy frequently hung out in the computer science building on Washington. He has a really high-paying job but continues to unironically wear oversized t-shirts with wolves on them. He probably has long hair and may or may not have self-published a “choose your own adventure” novel.

The Struggling Ceramic Artist. This girl is really good at expressing herself. She’ll talk about her series of teapots that represent the struggle to be herself around her conservative parents. In reality, she’s been cut off and is looking for someone to split the rent. She doesn’t shave her armpits, but she’s really, really nice.

The Newly Single Dental Hygienist. Blonde, thin, and tan with a killer smile. (I’ve never seen a hygienist who doesn’t fit this description.) She dated her high school sweetheart all through college and only recently discovered he’s a bro. She’s hoping for someone just as attractive and satisfied with his 20-something life.

The Carlson Divorcée. He met a girl at Sally’s and proposed after eight months of dating. Why not? He had the money from the job he secured while he was still in school. He later realized he didn’t want some broad nagging him after a long day at the office. He frequently sits on his couch with his hand in his pants watching SportsCenter.

The Marketing BFFs. They work at Target Corporate and thought it’d be hilarious to attend together. They’ll spend most of the night giggling and pretending they want a threesome. They’re, like, totally kidding, though.

The Sustainable Architect. This guy spent most of his weekend nights in 1425 University, scoffing at the drunken hoodlums walking around Dinkytown. Whatever. He had tiny models of buildings to finish. He doesn’t really want to be at speed dating, but he wants to meet an earthy, educated woman. He’s also looking forward to bragging about his modernized loft in the Warehouse District.

The World Traveler. She studied science or something, but it’s not really clear because she just keeps talking about how precious life is, you know? She backpacked all over and did a bunch of “really crazy shit” and “learned so much about herself.” She didn’t want to come back to Minnesota, but she was out of money. She’s a barista and an amateur photographer.

The Marching Band Maniac. The U of M loves its marching band, but no one loves it more than its members. This guy painted his face gold and vigorously pumped his trumpet in the air after touchdowns. He’s a music teacher and still wears a Gopher shirt everyday.

–Heidi Thomasoni will not be attending.

(Photo Credit)