Mark Twain
PURPORTED: “Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”
ACTUAL: “[quietly decomposing]”

Rhett Butler
PURPORTED: “Frankly, Scarlett, I don’t give a damn.”
ACTUAL: “Sext me.”

Karl Marx
PURPORTED: “Religion is the opium of the people.”
ACTUAL: “Man, I am so high right now.”

Benjamin Franklin
PURPORTED: “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”
ACTUAL: “I have sores all over my penis.”

John F. Kennedy
PURPORTED: “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.”
ACTUAL: “Ask not what affairs you can ignore for your wife, but what affairs she can ignore for you.”

Gary Coleman
PURPORTED: “What you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?”
ACTUAL: “What, you think I’m a fetus?”

George W. Bush at Ground Zero
PURPORTED: “I hear you!”
ACTUAL: “I choose to hear only those of you who are saying this was all Saddam’s fault!”

Tiny Tim
PURPORTED: “God bless us, every one!”
ACTUAL: “God dammit, I’ve got the runs!”

René Descartes
PURPORTED: “Cogito, ergo sum.”
ACTUAL: “In a gadda, da vida.”

Wayne Gretzky
PURPORTED: “You miss 100% of the shots you never take.”
ACTUAL: “I just shot a load on your wife’s face.”

Jesus
PURPORTED: “Love thy neighbor as thyself.”
ACTUAL: “Love thy neighbor as you would love a white, upper-class man—just so long as he actually is a white, upper-class man.”

Abraham Lincoln
PURPORTED: “Four score and seven years ago…”
ACTUAL: “Four swarthy sailor rears ago…”

Socrates
PURPORTED: “Crito, we ought to offer a cock to Asclepius.”
ACTUAL: “I don’t actually exist, you cocks!”

Kurt Vonnegut
PURPORTED: “Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.”
ACTUAL: “Hey, Telekeneisha. You really know how to ‘raise my hand,’ girl.”

Richard Lewis
PURPORTED: “I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.”
ACTUAL: “I quite therapy because my analyst was trying to help himself to my backside.”

– Jay Gabler, Sarah Heuer, Becky Lang, and Jason Zabel