1. I dress like a fourteen year old boy. Fashion isn’t exactly my forte, as evidenced by the stack of nine boyfriend-style t-shirts from Target that I wear the majority of the days of the week. I typically pair these with some just barely too long jeans and a pair of Chucks (of which I have seven to choose from, including Batman high-tops). If not telling of my potential to be a lesbian, surely this is at least indicative of some level of latent androgyny. I haven’t the faintest idea how one “does” hair or “does” makeup, either. If being a girl is an art one must master, I’m the kid in the corner of the classroom eating the Elmer’s and sticking the poofy craft balls up my nose.

2. A lack of “flirtatious confidence.” I put this in quotes because I decided the best way to figure out why so many people think I’m a lesbian is to ask someone who once did. So I asked an ex-boyfriend who, upon first meeting me, was totally convinced I batted for the other team. He cited numbers one and two on this list, adding, “I liked those things about you once I learned you weren’t a lesbian, btw.” I’m not exactly sure what flirtatious confidence means, which I guess makes sense since I apparently lack it, but I imagine it has something to do with the knack many women have for using their boobs and/or legs to their advantage. I don’t really flirt, so much as punch boys in the arm like I’m in fourth grade.

3. I like fourteen year old boy things. Anybody who reads my Tangential posts regularly or has more than 30 seconds worth of conversation with me knows I am what my bestie likes to refer to as a “Nerdgasm.” I’m a blonde tall drink of water, but nary a day goes by that I don’t put just a little too much thought into the theories of time travel as forwarded by Douglas Adams in The Hitchhiker’s Guide. I like explody movies, 80s arena rock, and will get very cranky if you don’t let me watch SpongeBob Squarepants on your cable.

4. I think penises look funny. Perhaps this one’s more exculpatory in terms of my immaturity rather than lesbitude. I mean don’t get me wrong, penises are pretty awesome and definitely have their utility, but I can’t help but giggle to myself whenever I think of the dangly little appendage just sorta chilling out. Penises are awkward and ill-fitted, like if someone attached a periscope to the side of a horse. Am I really alone in thinking the female genitalia were better constructed with aesthetics, rather than amusement, in mind?

5. I have an unashamed appetite. This is not to say there aren’t plenty of straight ladies who almost pass out at the sight of a t-bone steak, nor that there’s a lack of lesbians for whom eating daintily and in small portions is a priority. But I have a sort of sloppy, greasy, fatty, excessive, microwaveable relationship with food that I think we can all agree is generally a masculine trait. I can probably simplify this by saying that I really really like eating beef sticks.

Hold up, I figured it out. This isn’t a list of reasons why people think I’m a lesbian; it’s a list of reasons people think I’m a pre-pubescent teenage boy. Nevermind. Takesies backsies.

–Katie Sisneros