Pros and Cons of Electing One of These Minnesotans for Prez

Pros and Cons of Electing One of These Minnesotans for Prez

Michele Bachmann

Can hypnotize polar bears with one gaze
Turns naughty children into salt statues
Speaks Parseltongue
Farts lightning that strikes the hearts of sinners
Miss December, Tea Party 2012 Calendar, swimsuit edition
Wonder if she’s got any tats

Doesn’t speak Spanish
Less hot than Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter
Slightly higher vocabulary than Palin and Coulter combined, thus less trustworthy
If we put her in water, would she not sink and die? Worried about this.

Tim Pawlenty
Made a movie, apparently

Hottest thing that looks like Bill Nye the Science Guy since Bill Nye
Also kind of looks like Bert
Probably has an extensive liquor collection; just break in there on Sundays
Will direct the country as if it were an episode of “Law and Order”
His wife is super hott and also has a respectable career as a judge

Hates teachers :(
Grudge holder: still leaves flaming shit bags on Palin’s doorstep for clinching VP nomination
Only sevenhead in Presidential politics. (By comparison, Obama was a fivehead and Clinton your standard forehead.)
His wife is an alumna of conservative Christian college and is listed on its Wikipedia page under “notable alumni” as “Tim Pawlenty’s wife” not “district court judge”


Jesse Ventura

Can beat up all other presidents, yada yada
His wardrobe will get more attention than Ghaddafi’s
Maybe he will inspire The Rock to become the king of Egypt
Shiny head
He might actually win

Will make Ahnold so threatened he’ll be like, “America, I want a div-ohse.”
Might not believe America actually exists

R.T. Rybak

Could be long-lost brother of Mitt Romney
Will make Mitt Romney preen extra hard
Will make Mitt Romney’s peen extra hard?
Cooler name than “Mitt Romney”
Looks like Spiderman’s evil nemesis, in a hot way
Funny on Twitter
Sassy about bicycle wars
We touched his arm once at a parade
Fixes potholes like a G6


Probably the most famous Minnesotan
Believably ambiguous in sexual orientation, race (and gender?) thus appealing to the broadest demographic possible
Probably more sane than Michele Bachmann and Jesse Ventura combined
Looks like a lil purple velociraptor
Secretary of State Sheila E
Not a politician (yes this is a pro, better to not be a politician at all than be, like, Michele Bachmann)

Stuck in 1999
Racists won’t vote for him
Sexists won’t vote for him
Squares won’t vote for him
People who have nightmares about Jurassic Park won’t vote for him

Pillsbury Dough Boy

Evokes associations of carb-fueled highs
High positive rankings, low negatives
Only in his mid-40s; will appeal to Gen-X voters
Invented “poking” before Mark Zuckerberg

Weak on anti-obesity initiatives
Very white; might be a hard sell to minority voters
Can’t be counted on to refrain from giggling uncontrollably if poked in the belly by Kim Jong Il
If not fully kneaded into dough, might dissipate into the air if someone claps

My Evangelical Mother

Somehow less conservative than Michele Bachmann
Gives awesome hugs
Smells good
Would drop some Pottery Barn shit on the White House
I get famous by proxy


Becky Lang, Katie Sisneros, Sarah Heuer, Jay Gabler