Presidential Election 2012: The Tangential Real Talks the Issues

Presidential Election 2012: The Tangential Real Talks the Issues


It’s March 2011, which means The Tangential is WAY behind in our comprehensive coverage of the 2012 Presidential election. We apologize for letting you down. But despite our tardiness, potential candidates are already well on their way to thinking about making the decision on whether or not to formulate an exploratory committee to determine the feasibility of announcing one’s intent to consider running against the indefatigable ObamaTron 9000 XT. Hell, even our Intrepid Governor slash Bob Saget impersonator Tim Pawlenty has released a book trailer (huh?) that just screams I WILL PUSH THAT RED BUTTON IF NEED BE. OR IF SOMEONE LOOKS AT ME FUNNY.

But in this fast-paced world of hula hoops and Rubik’s Cubes and the Estevez brothers, what can we count on as becoming the hot button issues all the way in the next year times? Like any good discerning American voter, I plan on choosing an issue at random and treating it as if it is the Most Important Issue to Mankind Ever. The economy? Nah, I’m bad at math. Abortion? Eh, babies scare me. Much simpler than that, my friends. Anybody notice that ‘Merica is, like, way worse than it was back in the olden days? Anybody else notice a distinct lack of mutton chops since then? Doesn’t take a rocket doctor to see the obvious correlation.

Exhibit #1: Martin Van Buren

Martin Van Buren, the eighth President of the United States and 1835 Eye Bags Champion of Greater Rensselaer County in New York. He was vehemently against the U.S. annexing Texas, and married a woman named Hannah Hoes (giggle). OK, so he believed slavery was sanctioned by the Constitution. Whatever. Have you seen his chops?

Van Buren. An adequately average President with radically epic facial hair. I trust this man.

Exhibit #2: Chester A. Arthur

Chester A. Arthur was a Republican back when that meant something totally different and our nation’s 21st President. Arthur banned bigamists and polygamists from voting or holding office, the first in a series of steps the U.S. has systematically taken to passive aggressively get rid of Mormons, the most recent having been the manufacturing of Mitt Romney. Arthur sported a most dashing set of chops, no doubt a determining factor in his groundbreaking Civil Service Reform.

Arthur. Distrusted Mormons, believed in chops. Kind of looks like Wolverine. Issues we can all get behind.

So what does this mean for the future?

When we look at a candidate, we all wonder the same thing: Would I have sex with this person? But pretty much immediately after that we think, Can I trust this person? Wouldn’t it be much easier if we had some sort of obvious indicator that tells us exactly who we can trust and who we can’t? Like a plus sign indicative of a positive pregnancy test, or frosted tips indicative of someone who probably does the shocker in family photos. Jimmy McMillan of The Rent is Too Damn High party had the right idea, but we weren’t ready for mutton chops in 2010.

OK BUT SERIOUSLY. LOOK AT THAT GUY. I wouldn’t just trust him to make foreign policy decisions, I’d trust him to kill a man for me and not crack under the pressure of interrogation.

Here, let me show you.

Sissy Man Cry Baby 2012? I think not.

His emotional expression is indicative of his honesty and trustworthiness.

I’d trust her about as far as I could throw a moose.

I’d ask her to be my surrogate if my uterus went all wonky.

My point: If you don’t have the urge to rub your face up against his face, he shouldn’t be President.

Katie Sisneros, with facial hair insights from Tony Glenn (“Mmm. Yes. I do know my facial hair.”)