Winnie the Pooh
Pros:
Excellent at cuddling
Babies LOVE him
Seems fun compared to that sad donkey
Has his own Tao

Cons:
Is a bear, also in the gay way
High voice
Sticky honey paws
When you wanna go out on the town, he insists on only wearing a red shirt
Sometimes gets stuck in the hole to his own tree – embarrassing!

Eeyore
Pros:
Existentialist
Thanks you for noticing him

Cons:
Tail falls off all the time, wonder about other parts
House is always falling down
Probably shops at Hot Topic
Definitely can’t get it up
Just….sad

Tigger:
Pros:
Alluring stripe pattern
Bouncy!
Likes a good laugh

Cons:
Probably on Adderall
Lisp
Big ego
All the other girls like him

Christopher Robin:
Pros:
Human
Good with animals
Good imagination
Not afraid of short shorts

Cons:
Underage
Two first names
Doesn’t have human friends
Knee socks

Piglet
Pros:
Brave when he has to be
Small – okay in a studio apartment
Calls acorns “haycorns”

Cons:
Twink
Your kids would just be so white!
Too softspoken
Afraid of thunder and lightning

Rabbit
Pros:
Good vegetable selection
Organized

Cons:
Oh my god, it’s just a garden
Kind of looks like your stoned uncle
Fur color looks jaundiced

Kanga
Pros:
Slim pickings for females
MILF
Pouch is good storage for club nights

Cons:
Always has Roo in her pouch
Aren’t kangaroo pouches all gooey?
Constantly administering extract of malt

-Tangential Staff