Thanks for taking the time to talk with us. I should acknowledge that this is a little awkward, given that after 13 years of Catholic school, I left the Church a few months after arriving at college.
It’s okay, nothing is awkward for me. I know everything that ever was and ever shall be, so I knew this moment was coming. Also, I have infinite time.

I was just trying to be polite.
I know. I’m just encouraging you to think about my true nature. It’s like when people pray to me and say, “I know you have a lot on your mind right now, what with all those people to take care of in Japan after the earthquake, but I’d really like it if you helped me not miss any free throws at the JV basketball game tonight.” I’m God. I’m omnipotent. I can and will take your request under consideration regardless of what else might be going on in the world.

That’s good to know. So my first question is, why did you create us?
To reflect and magnify my greatness. I mean, why do humans have kids? Because those people think they’re pretty great, and they’d like there to be more people like them. They want some company, and the satisfaction of seeing a version of themselves incarnated in another form.

I don’t have kids, and I’m doing fine.
Well, to each his own. But in fairness, I am a little greater than you.

Don’t people also have kids because they want to have sex?
The sexual drive is a natural impulse to participate in the process of procreation. I don’t have a sexual drive in the human sense, but when you participate in the process of procreation, you participate in my plan for the world. I encourage it, and that’s why I equipped people with sex drives.

But some people are sexually attracted to others of the same sex, and as the Catholic God, this is something you have forbidden.
Yes. I understand that some people feel that desire, but you are correct that its expression is contrary to my will.

So why do they have that desire, then?
Since Original Sin, the world is imperfect. You are fallen creatures, and you face many challenges as you seek to become closer to me.

But that’s not our fault! We weren’t there in Eden!
No, but you’re just as bad as Adam and Eve were. You yourself, for example, despite having been more or less properly educated in my Church for 18 years, have chosen not to repent and rejoin the Church since you were a teenager. You’ve been in a state of permanent mortal sin for almost half your life, so it’s not really fair of you to give your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-gr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t-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother a hard time for taking a single bite of a single apple. Respect your elders—that’s the fourth commandment.

Or the fifth commandment, according to the Jews and Orthodox Catholics. Which brings me to my next question. If the Catholic faith is the one true faith, why are there billions of people who subscribe to other faiths?
They have been misled.

For their entire lives?
Yes. As I said, the world is imperfect.

It just doesn’t seem fair that you expect Catholics to adhere to an elaborate set of rules about how to conduct their lives, while those who have been raised in more permissive faiths get off scot-free.
They don’t get off scot-free. They are still responsible for comporting themselves appropriately, and they will face consequences in the next life if they severely violate my will. That said, I acknowledge that they’re working with less information than you are, and I cut them some slack. Each human being who will ever live will have the opportunity to come to me in his or her own way. This I promise.

So there are people in hell?
Oh, yes. As the Catholic God, I don’t release specific numbers, but I assure you that hell is real and that right now you are in dire risk of spending eternity there.

That’s not what my mom believes. She thinks everyone goes to heaven.
In that belief, she is wrong.

So how can my mom have eternal bliss if she goes to heaven while her son is burning in hell?
When she gets to heaven—if she gets to heaven—she will understand that your choices were your own, and that you deserved your fate. She will be content. In fact, she’ll be in a state of eternal bliss.

While I burn in hell.
If that is the path you choose.

This gets at my larger question of hierarchy. The Catholic Church is hierarchical, from the Pope down through the cardinals and the bishops to the priests, and women cannot be priests.
That is correct.

Why the hierarchy? Aren’t we all your children?
Yes, you are, and I love you all equally. I just don’t recommend that you try to have equal roles on Earth. As I mentioned, the earthly world is imperfect, and you need a hierarchical social organization to properly interpret my will and ensure that humans are as happy as possible in this life and the next.

Some Protestants believe that it’s each person’s responsibility to interpret your will for himself or herself.
The Protestants are wrong. Listen to the Pope.

Popes have had crazy orgies, you know.
Of course I know. Popes are human, and thus imperfect. But as a general principle, you’re better off following the Pope than the Dalai Lama.

Because Buddhism is totally misguided.
I endorse many individual Buddhist principles and ideals, but from a metaphysical standpoint they’re way off base.

Okay. Well, I know that your time is infinite, but our imperfect readers’ patience is finite, so I’ll make this my last question. What about all the other stars and planets?
They are part of my creation.

Is there intelligent life out there?
Well, sort of. Depending on how you define “intelligent.”

Do you have any chosen creatures on other planets?
No. Humans are my only chosen ones.

So there won’t be any alien beings in heaven.
Or hell.

As I’ll likely find out for myself someday.
It’s your call. If you come back to the Catholic Church, you will be happier in this life and—more significantly—in the next. Take my word for it. I’m God.

Well, you’re the Catholic God.
I’m the God. If you run into Krishna walking around Uptown, call me up and we’ll talk again.

– Jay Gabler