Pros and Cons of the DPWLTF (Disney Princes We’d Like to Fuck)
Eric from The Little Mermaid
Pros:
Winning smile
Good with dogs
Nice flop in his hair
Best personality of any Disney prince
No mother-in-law
Already has a statue of himself
Seaside mansion
Cons:
Every time you guys get in a fight and he mentions compromises you’ll be like “COMPROMISES??? I gave up FINS for you!!”
Never seeing your family again
Always worried that Ursula could pop up in any moment, in any form
Wears a puffy shirt
Mermaid fetish
Isn’t a merman
Has a weird chef
Statue of self gets struck by lightning, head part appropriated by Mermaid King
Totally flirts with other girls (ahem VANESSA), claims he “fell under her spell”
Hires priest with boner to wed us
Simba
Pros:
Chillax attitude (Hakuna Matata!)
Voiced by total hottie Johnathan Taylor Thomas
Feels the love tonight
Is a good snuggler/is furry/is a cat
Cons:
Ate bugs only for a period in his life
Might abandon you if Scar tells him to
Not very good at staying out of the “shadow lands” (your kingdom is everything the sun touches, do you REALLY have to go there?)
Underage
John Smith from Pocahontas
Pros:
He’ll totes stand up to your dad if your dad is too overbearing/ is an Indian chief
Nice singing voice
Willing to befriend both animals and natives
Good arms
Cons: Smallpox
Aladdin
Pros:
Has a pet monkey
Good at stealing
Has a plump, juicy behind
Good at pole vaulting
Navigates flying carpets well
Nice to tigers
Charismatic in parade scenarios
Constant view of his bare chest
Cons:
Robin Williams as genie broheim is around all the time
Lies occasionally
He just can’t wait to be king
Stupid hat
Street rat
Bambi
Pros:
Can run pretty fast for his age
Has cute white markings
Venison is delicious (and good for you???)
Cons:
Has mommy issues
Can be a whiny bitch
Underage
Is into rabbitry
Kind of a twink
Beast from Beauty and the Beast
Pros:
Dating a beast makes you look bookish and un-superficial
He has a big, empty mansion
Will make Gaston be like, WTF?
Could totally beat up Gaston
Cons:
He’s violent
He requires patience with beastliness in order to be handsome
He might strangle you
He’s gross at first
He’s mean to his cutlery
Does he still have that bad attitude even after he’s turned back into a man?