Eensy McLaughington hates paper. Because Eensy McLaughington hates trees. Because Eensy McLaughington hates nature and hates planet earth. Oh, the joy derived from listening to the soft dry sound of tearing paper. It sounds like koalas dying. It sounds like subjugated Amazonian families being forcibly displaced from their homes. It sounds like the death rattle of a spider monkey. Perhaps Eensy is imagining the tearing of the Declaration of Independence, because he also hates America. Feel the crunch of the wasted paper between your fingers, Eensy, and imagine what it would feel like to watch the whole world burn.

Little Baby Gigglepants, direct descendant of England’s Henry VIII, laughs with glee at the “bonging” sound his father makes. Reminiscent of the clanging of the church bells at dawn. Memories not experienced seep into Baby’s head, trickles of insanity grasping his synapses in a choke hold. Baby sees a woman with her neck on a chopping block. Wife number five. Tired of making up claims of adultery. LAUGH BABY, LAUGH. Soon your instinct for bloodlust and debauchery and a male heir apparent will consume your tiny brain, and you will try to execute your father in his sleep for trumped up charges of treason, and only fail because of your tiny little thumbs.

This is the second step of a mitosis that will continue until mother, bed, house, neighborhood is engulfed in laughing babies. What started as one single giggling infant will eventually take over the Eastern seaboard, move west faster than you can say “Louisiana Purchase,” and be hailed as the Coming of the End of Days. The last thing any of us will experience will be the sound of a billion laughing babies, a horrendous grotesque spectacle of gaiety, making a mockery of our slow deaths.

It’s a trap! That’s no baby! That’s an extremely realistic and well-designed ventriloquism doll, being powered by the man sitting in the chair. He bought it after he realized his wife was having a hysterical pregnancy. One afternoon chloroformed her, put her on the couch for a while, and when she came to he said she’d had a baby. He’s been practicing throwing the giggles of three-month-olds ever since. Unbeknownst to him his wife is privy to his elaborate lie, and has chosen not to tell him because his baby laugh is so goddamned hilarious.

–Katie Sisneros laughs like one of these laughing babies. It’s terrifying.