The Tangential Naked Tweets the Oscars: Awards We’d Rather Give the Nominees

The Tangential Naked Tweets the Oscars: Awards We’d Rather Give the Nominees

Melissa Leo (The Fighter): Best Doily Impression

Christian Bale (The Fighter): Best Lice Beard, Best Downplaying of Douchiness

Rick Baker (Wolfman): Best Ponytail, Best Incongruously Brown Eyebrows and Mustache

Colin Firth (The King’s Speech): Best Britishness, Best Anal Drug Smuggler

Mark Ruffalo (The Kids Are All Right): Best Das Racist Reference, Best Clive Owen Substitute

Geoffrey Rush (The King’s Speech): Best Misuse of Vowels in a First Name, Best Bald Australian

Annette Bening (The Kids Are All Right): Best Nervous Smile Whenever Her Husband Opens His Mouth

Nicole Kidman (Rabbit Hole): Best Use of a Little Boy, Best Reuse of a Husband Haircut

Natalie Portman (Black Swan): Best Strategic Pregnancy

Michelle Williams (Blue Valentine): Best…Heath Ledger…Thing…

Amy Adams (The Fighter): Actress We’d Most Like to Have as a Cell Phone Dangly Accessory

Helena Bonham Carter (The King’s Speech): Best Sixteenth Century Wench Look, Best Hot Harry Potter Villain

Hailee Steinfeld (True Grit): Best Phallic Braids, Best Countown-Until-Eighteen Inspiration

Javier Bardem (Biutiful): Best Excuse to Talk about Penelope Cruz’s Boobs

Jeff Bridges (True Grit): The Mickey Rourke Lifetime Achievement Award for Most Shitty Movies Forgiven

Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network): Best Actor Whose Role We Liked More Than the Actual Person

James Franco (127 Hours): Best Use of a Fuck It Attitude

Katie Sisneros, Jay Gabler, Becky Lang, Sarah Heuer, Chrissy Stockton, Jason Zabel, and Ryan Warner, who wanted to give Oprah the Award for Best Tits.