
The Tangential Naked Tweets the Oscars: Awards We’d Rather Give the Nominees
Melissa Leo (The Fighter): Best Doily Impression
Christian Bale (The Fighter): Best Lice Beard, Best Downplaying of Douchiness
Rick Baker (Wolfman): Best Ponytail, Best Incongruously Brown Eyebrows and Mustache
Colin Firth (The King’s Speech): Best Britishness, Best Anal Drug Smuggler
Mark Ruffalo (The Kids Are All Right): Best Das Racist Reference, Best Clive Owen Substitute
Geoffrey Rush (The King’s Speech): Best Misuse of Vowels in a First Name, Best Bald Australian
Annette Bening (The Kids Are All Right): Best Nervous Smile Whenever Her Husband Opens His Mouth
Nicole Kidman (Rabbit Hole): Best Use of a Little Boy, Best Reuse of a Husband Haircut
Natalie Portman (Black Swan): Best Strategic Pregnancy
Michelle Williams (Blue Valentine): Best…Heath Ledger…Thing…
Amy Adams (The Fighter): Actress We’d Most Like to Have as a Cell Phone Dangly Accessory
Helena Bonham Carter (The King’s Speech): Best Sixteenth Century Wench Look, Best Hot Harry Potter Villain
Hailee Steinfeld (True Grit): Best Phallic Braids, Best Countown-Until-Eighteen Inspiration
Javier Bardem (Biutiful): Best Excuse to Talk about Penelope Cruz’s Boobs
Jeff Bridges (True Grit): The Mickey Rourke Lifetime Achievement Award for Most Shitty Movies Forgiven
Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network): Best Actor Whose Role We Liked More Than the Actual Person
James Franco (127 Hours): Best Use of a Fuck It Attitude
–Katie Sisneros, Jay Gabler, Becky Lang, Sarah Heuer, Chrissy Stockton, Jason Zabel, and Ryan Warner, who wanted to give Oprah the Award for Best Tits.