First of all, thank you for finally adding a black character. It only took you four seasons. Even better, she’s kind of a normal person – much better than your other attempts at diversity anyway. Your eastern European character, Dorota the bumbling maid, didn’t really count. If she starts calling Blair “missy,” then I’m going to stop watching altogether. I mean it.

Congratulations on having viewers not figure out who Gossip Girl is yet. You don’t even know do you? You’re that clever. Or maybe you just have no fucking clue how to write her in and have it make any sense at all. Watch out, one of Manhattan’s elite might figure out how to track someone down by their IP address. Yeah, you can do that. But don’t worry, they’re far too busy being drug mules and writing New Yorker stories about “living with your ex-girlfriend’s boyfriend” to figure out the Internet. (Side note: Dan Humphrey really understands the subject material that the New York literati love.) I think it’s Eric, the gay 18-year-old brother. He’s the only one who’s around all the time, and I can just tell if he could have anyone do his voice over, he’d pick Kristen Bell.

I think you also deserve a pat on the back for the character of Chuck Bass. We all know that you guys originally cast him as a date rapist cuz you were totally busy and frazzled and didn’t think about the narrative pickle that would create for you down the line. But we forgave you, we were patient, and we now accept that he is a sex symbol that shouts his own name off rooftops and dates French pixies whose last names mean “poetry.” (What happened to Clemence Poesy anyway? We liked her – enough to hope that the Katie Cassidys and Hilary Duffs were just silly jokes.)

Here’s a thing. Just a little quibble. Why does every episode have to climax with a big party? I mean, why can’t they end with a Pizza Hut delivery? Or Jenny Humphrey eating a whole roll of Tollhouse cookie dough and painting her fingernails a symbolic black? Oh, do you have a weird product placement contract that prevents you from doing all kinds of things? I could kind of tell. They’re always using ancient phones that look like they got rerouted from a “Don’t Throw Away Your Old Phone” charity. Pretty sure Manhattan’s elite use iPhones. And the Vitamin Water – can you really mix that stuff with booze? I’ll have to try it.

Another question: Why  are they always eating waffles? How do they eat waffles 24/7 and stay so thin? Tell me!

One more thing. My boyfriend really, really hates your show. Like, every time I watch it, I have to say stuff like, “If you had ever been a teenage girl, you’d understand. Ok, I know it’s bad, but I watch it so I can read Richard Lawson’s recaps on Gawker.” Could you try to make the show just a little bit good? Like, when Blair yells at Dan Humphrey for being poor and living in Brooklyn and then doesn’t immediately get struck by lightning, that’s a little embarrassing. So could you try to work on the whole shameless glorification of rich, white people thing a little bit more? And create a cool near-death scenario. He might like that.

Thanks!

–Becky Lang