17-year-old former Miss San Antonio Domonique Ramirez was stripped of her pageant title as a result of disrespecting the Federal Alliance of Tacos, or FAT, earlier this week. Ramirez reigned as Miss San Antonio for only a short time before her crown was reneged, spokeswoman for the Bexar County pageant board Linda Woods citing “excessive taco nom-age” as the reason for her demotion. Representatives from FAT met with Ramirez, and in no uncertain terms explained what the repercussions would be if she did, as Woods stated, “get off the tacos.”
“We don’t want to cause any trouble, you know?” Cheesy Beef and Bean Taco stated in a press conference outside Bexar County Courthouse on Tuesday. Cheesy Beef and Bean, otherwise known as Cheesy the Lesser, heir to the FAT dynasty, took control after his father Cheesy Beef and More Beef died from being left in the fridge for too long. “But when Miss Ramirez said she was going to leave the tacos behind, we had to do something about it, you know? Knock a few heads together, so to speak.” FAT petitioned to the pageant board to have Ramirez’s crown revoked. Although official reports cite Ramirez’s “insubordination,” Spicy Ranchero Chicken Taco points out that this is merely a cover. “Yeah, insubordination of tacos!” he said, throwing his head back and cackling wildly, sending a flourish of lettuce streaming to the ground.
This is not the first time FAT has made headlines in recent months. Members of FAT faced accusations of intimidation with force and first degree assault last month against Greg Creed, President of Taco Bell, after he publicly released the ingredients of their ground beef mixture in an effort to quell rumors that Taco Bell beef was inedible. “Ain’t nobody gotta know what’s in a taco’s beef, you hear me?” an anonymous spokesperson from FAT stated in an e-mail to The Tangential. “It’s called a secret recipe for a reason. We’re a very tight community, us tacos. We don’t need any noses in our business.”
Miss Ramirez declined to comment for this story, but sources say she is considering filing suit against FAT for threats against her person, citing a broken and bloodied crown she found in her mailbox and a taco attached to her front door with a steak knife, accompanied by a note that read “EAT TACOS OR ELSE, BITCH.”
Miss Ramirez’s replacement, Ashley Dixon, has gone on record as stating that she “absolutely loves tacos,” and “would never stop eating them, no way, please leave me alone I swear I’ll keep eating tacos.”