How to Seem Poor When You’re Actually Upper Middle-Class

How to Seem Poor When You’re Actually Upper Middle-Class


1. Confuse people about your car.
You know that car your parents gave you after they got their Lexus? Your car with seat warmers? Play it cool on that thing. Bike when you can, but if someone else does end up riding in it, make sure it is filled with old soda cans, cigarette boxes and textbooks you’re meaning to sell back for cash.

2. Waste lots of money on drugs and alcohol.
It’s the easiest way to become actually poor.

3. Have a two-note diet.
It’s easy to seem poor if you only eat two different foods. There are many combinations of foods that will work, like “I survive on Taco Bell and Twinkies” or “All I ever eat is Mac & Cheese and Rice Crispies”

4. Have an entirely “thrifted” wardrobe.
Announce this a lot, although don’t confuse thrifts with “antiques,” because those are actually expensive.

5. Steal recreationally.
Even if you can afford a king-size Caramello, steal it. Steal one for your friend too. Fuck the man, right?

Becky Lang