Justin Bieber’s Proactive Commercial

Lessons learned:
-Human sexuality begins in a time called “puberty,” which usually hits around the age of 12. The first sexual stirrings are a heightened interest in cherubic boy-men with bowl cuts. Another sign puberty has begun is that the human face excretes oil that causes unsightly pustules.
– Humans need to make money. They can do this by making Americanos or becoming pop stars and making extra cash by being on a television commercial exposing an embarrassing story about facial oil. You need to make money to buy cream to rub on your pustules so that you can be more attractive and win the attention of cherubic bowl-cut havers and people who cast Proactive commercials.

Jamie Lee Curtis’ Activia Commercial

Lessons learned:
– Humans eat many kinds of substances, including fruit cakes at Christmas, baby cows, bon bons and manufactured cheese. We often lack an inner monitor that tells us “enough is enough” and overindulge, leading to uncomfortable stomachaches and even fatness. But good news! We also eat bacteria, and sometimes that helps counteract this by helping us evacuate that food in a healthy shape at only about 60 calories.
– Talking about digestion or evacuation is a touchy subject that is usually inappropriate. The best way to do this on public TV is to create smooth graphics of arrows suggesting what goes where and to use an androgynous woman with a fairly non-controversial acting career (“Freaky Friday!”) to explain these problems in a reassuring manner.

Life Alert

Lessons learned:
-Humans have lots of neuroses, the largest one being a fear of death. (The second largest is either their attraction to their father or their addiction to “America’s Next Top Model.”) There are many ways that humans die, from choking on hot dogs to getting old and falling down in the tub with no magic button that alerts a kindly silver fox to send help immediately. We will go out of our way to avoid many horrid possible deaths, even picking up the phone while watching late night TV to order a magic button in case we happen to not be reading Twitter on our cell phone during a moment of tragedy.
-Humans have a sense of irony about death that allows us to laugh at said Life Alert commercial and make many parodies of it, which flood the Internet to the extent that I cannot find the real, current version where the mom is in the tub and it’s really funny. Sometimes humans feel displeased with such circumstances, but are too lazy to work up actual anger so they just sit watching “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and paging through hundreds of Google results and then give up and use an old version.

– Becky Lang learned everything she knows from commercials too.