Blarney – My roommates and I got along better before we lived together. They never want to play drinking games with me anymore, and when I drunk dial them after a couple of long island ice teas, they never answer. Oh well, screw them! When I go out, I make sure to stash my Northface in a chair where no one will steal it. I don’t want to be wearing a lumpy coat when I run into that hot T.A. from Mass Marketing 101. Did they call my name yet? I’m supposed to sing “Friends in Low Places” any minute, but I want to finish this drink first.

Quick facts: You snowmobile. Your college debt will not be excessive. You go to Olive Garden non-ironically.

The Library – Have you seen the Miller High Life redesign? It’s totally gay. I just want my beer to look like beer, ya know? Oh crap, I hope that hot blonde girl with the dreads … dreads, she must have gone on a Carribean vacation or something. Hot. Anyway, I hope she doesn’t notice that my chest is peeling. It would be so embarrassing to explain to a chick that I went tanning today. But you know what, I’ve gotten wasted and confessed it to a few girls, and they’re always really cool about it, and I’ve even touched a few tits after mentioning it. Can’t wait till midnight, when my check from American Eagle comes through and I can buy some more $2.50 you-call-its. Wahoo!

Quick facts: You’ve recreationally taken Viagra. If you’re a girl, your shoes probably give you at least two inches of height. You’ve used Miranda Lambert as booty music.

The Kitty Cat Klub – Is it OK to smoke again? I feel like I just smoked. Oh well, they’re just American Spirits. They’re all natural, or something. What is this lamestreamer band? They sound like a bluegrass Wilco or something. I knew I should have showed up later. No one cool is here yet, and I can’t hear the conversation my friends are having about whether or not “The Science of Sleep” was any good. Maybe I’ll go snort some Adderall in the photobooth until the dance floor picks up.

Quick facts: You studied French at some point or another. You want to experiment with the same sex. You like noise music.

Burrito Loco – I want to score with a freshman tonight. I’m just going to lean over the bar and watch the girls guess which side the coin will land on. I always want them to guess right. The more drinks they have, the more likely I know where they’re going to land, know what I mean? Hey, it’s the chick from my psych class over there, the one with the shiny little bob of hair and skinny shoulders. Man is she scarfing down those nachos. I wonder if she’s “boozelemic.” Barf. Oh well, maybe I’ll go ask her if she likes that new Radiohead record.

Quick facts: You like The Offspring. You know a lot about cars. Your threw up a lot on your birthday.