1. Read magazines. YM, Seventeen, all of them. Bring them to your conservative friend’s house and get yelled at by her mom for polluting her brain with articles like, “When to Say No!” or “I Had Bulimia.” Read makeup tips. They are interesting now, but you’ll skip over those pages for the rest of your life. You can only learn once that your ring finger is the weakest and thus best to use for applying undereye concealer.

2. Apply undereye concealer. Become convinced you have a “frizz problem.” Slowly you will realize that you don’t, and that no shampoo or face wash is going to have any significant difference in your general sex appeal. Wear shirts and shorts that are altogether too short. That works a lot better.

3. AIM chat with boys for at least two hours a day. Ask them complicated questions about the mechanics of morning boners. Do they rise with the sun? What if someone tricks your penis into thinking it’s time to get up using artificial lighting? They’ll ask you what color your nipples are. Look under your shirt and contemplate whether to just say pink or to make up an interesting lie. Keep an index of how hot the guys in your grade think all your friends are on a scale of 1 to 10. They’ll tell you.

4. The easiest way to become popular with girls is to share your blueberry-colored mascara, prank 3-way call boys and come up with code-words for when you’re on your period. Build up a group of powerful friends and don’t feel bad if one’s a 9 and you’re a 7.

5. Get in fights with boys who want to flirt with you but also kind of hate you. They’ll steal your stuff, and you’ll pull their hair to get it back. Then make up with them by making code-word jokes where you replace “dick” with “dog” all through science class and annoy your teacher. Have a smackdown with the boy who sits in the back of the bus talking about microwaving hamsters.

6. Make mix CDs that are essentially just the songs on the radio.

7. Learn how to scrapbook because it’s your duty to make handmade gifts for your friends when they have “breakups” or lose in swimming.

8. Play volleyball. All 13-year-old girls play volleyball. Put little investment into it because your coaches are creepy, overenthusiastic weirdos. Sit out games and eat candy cigarettes while talking about what second base is like.

9. Hang out at McDonalds after school. Throw french fries at boys to let them know you like them.

10. Go on dates at the mall. Borrow $20 from your parents and hang out at the movie theater for hours after the movie is over. Talk about how the skanky popular kids have been drinking hard lemonade lately in a hushed, worried tone. Get dumped and wonder why being 13 isn’t as cool as it looks on The Disney Channel.

–Becky Lang is actually 17 in that photo because apparently her life before 17 does not exist on The Internet. That gorgeous blonde, Greta, is now a model.