Go splitsies on a two-for-one at Liquor Lyle’s during happy hour, get all pouty when your S.O. won’t share their half of it with you, insist it means they “don’t love you anymore.”

Take your S.O. to Galactic Pizza, and when she tries to order, stand on the chair and scream “WE’RE HAVING THE PAUL BUNYAN OR I’M GOING TO STAB YOUR DOG” and then punch her in the face.

Tell your S.O. that her Valentine’s Day present is your “hot bod,” and then put your hands behind your head and shake your genitals in her face.

Treat your S.O. to a reminder of how nice it’s been here lately by pouncing with both feet into a puddle at the corner of Hennepin and Franklin, splashing her with the “refreshing street waters of the spring time, honey.”

Hide a box of Franzia in a snow bank near your home, leaving only the spigot exposed. Surprise your S.O. on your walk to McDonald’s by taking her out at the knees near the hidden box and releasing a shower of red wine on her head.

Tell your S.O. to go ahead and order the Attila the Hun at Sporty’s on 22^nd and Como because “Whatever, you’ve already let yourself go.”

Text your S.O.: “OMFG FIRST AVE HAS PIZZA ROLLS NOW. FUCK YOU AND V-DAY IMMA EAT SOME ROLLZZZZZZ.”

Surprise your S.O. at her work at Target HQ/Best Buy in Roseville/D’Amico’s in Edina with a boom box over your head blaring Jeffrey Osborne’s “On the Wings of Love” and a gift certificate to get a “Hoda from the Today Show Makeover” because you think her cougar-with-an-ambiguous-nationality look is super hot.

Play a fun practical joke on your S.O. for Valentine’s Day by re-parking her car on the even side of the road until it gets towed. Then earn some boyfriend points by offering to go get it for her, but take her credit card to pay for it.

–Katie Sisneros will be having a hell of a time at the Kitty Cat Klub for Valentine’s Day.