These are completely made up, but so are the real ones. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take yours hyper-personally and plan your day around it.

Aquarius: Make sure you do a double take before you leave the house or bathroom today, because that’s not toothpaste on your pants and everyone will know. Part your hair on the other side while you’re at it, and watch the opposite sex stand at attention.

Pisces: Someone at work had a sexy dream about you last night, so you should ask everyone if they “slept well?” while raising one brow to figure out who it was. Avoid Chipotle today. Just do it.

Aries: Think back to childhood. That person you played “I’ll Show You Mine if You Show Me Yours” with was your soul mate. Stalk them on Facebook and hope they’re not married/ugly now.

Taurus: Your sign tends to be too persistent. Translation: Your neighbor whose doorcrack smells like cookies is sick of you sticking your nose in it. Go on Craigslist and find someone as creepy as you.

Gemini: Finally you shall achieve your destiny as a Gemini: Sex with twins! Make sure you share it on Instagram.

Cancer: Today you will meet someone who is the opposite of that ex that makes you want to crawl back into your mom’s womb. Yup, if they were tan, this person will be pale. If they were packing in their secondary sexual organisms, this person will be lacking. Hey, I didn’t say you’d fall in love with them. (P.S. Your ex paid me to write this.)

Leo: Three words: Sex. In. Public. Then three new words: Harassed. In. Jail. It’s going to be a wild ride.

Virgo: Your collection of novelty condoms is organized alphabetically. Get drunk and redistribute them around your house in odd places so your date won’t think you’re too square.

Libra: You will have one of the most romantic nights of your life tonight. Tomorrow you will be in the news related to a political resignation.

Scorpio: The universe really, really wants you to sit at home tonight and watch TV. If you don’t, you might die by falling icicle.

Sagittarius: Go gay tonight. If you’re gay, go straight. Trust me.

Capricorn: You will come into money today in an unpredictable way. But DON’T spend it on that. You know what I mean. Also, when the lights are low and the fish are singing, kiss the girl/boy.

–Becky Lang is going to drink wine tonight.